heart, with the solicitations of my associates, and my fondness for
young company, were such strong allurements, I would again give way,
and thus I got to be very wild and rude, at the same time kept up my
rounds of secret prayer and reading; but God, not willing I should
destroy myself, still followed me with his calls, and moved with such
power upon my conscience, that I could not satisfy myself with my
diversions, and in the midst of my mirth sometimes would have such a
sense of my lost and undone condition, that I would wish myself from
the company, and after it was over, when I went home, would make many
promises that I would attend no more on these frolics, and would beg
forgiveness for hours and hours; but when I came to have the temptation
again, I would give way: no sooner would I hear the music and drink a
glass of wine, but I would find my mind elevated and soon proceed to
any sort of merriment or diversion, that I thought was not debauched or
openly vicious; but when I returned from my carnal mirth I felt as
guilty as ever, and could sometimes not close my eyes for some hours
after I had gone to my bed. I was one of the most unhappy creatures on
earth.

"Sometimes I would leave the company (often speaking to the fiddler to
cease from playing, as if I was tired), and go out and walk about
crying and praying, as if my very heart would break, and beseeching God
that he would not cut me off, nor give me up to hardness of heart. Oh,
what unhappy hours and nights I thus wore away! When I met sometimes
with merry companions, and my heart was ready to sink, I would labor to
put on as cheerful a countenance as possible, that they might not
distrust anything, and sometimes would begin some discourse with young
men or young women on purpose, or propose a merry song, lest the
distress of my soul would be discovered, or mistrusted, when at the
same time I would then rather have been in a wilderness in exile, than
with them or any of their pleasures or enjoyments. Thus for many
months when I was in company? I would act the hypocrite and feign a
merry heart but at the same time would endeavor as much as I could to
shun their company, oh wretched and unhappy mortal that I was!
Everything I did, and wherever I went, I was still in a storm and yet I
continued to be the chief contriver and ringleader of the frolics for
many months after; though it was a toil and torment to attend them; but
the devil and my own wicked h