QUA-DRILL-OGY.

[Illustration: E]Entirely disgusted with his unsuccessful appeal to the
enlightened British public assembled in the front of his residence, and
which had produced effects so contrary to what he had conceived would be
the result, Agamemnon called a committee of his household, to determine on
the most advisable proceedings to be adopted for remedying the evils
resulting from the unexpected pyrotechnic display of the morning. The
carpet was spoiled--the house was impregnated with the sooty effluvia, and
the company was expected to arrive at nine o'clock. What was to be done?
Betty suggested the burning of brown paper and scrubbing the carpet; John,
assafoetida and sawdust; Mrs. Waddledot, pastilles and chalking the floor.
As the latter remedies seemed most compatible with the gentility of their
expected visiters, immediate measures were taken for carrying them into
effect. A dozen cheese-plates were disposed upon the stairs, each
furnished with little pyramids of fragrance; old John, who was troubled
with an asthma, was deputed to superintend them, and nearly coughed
himself into a fit of apoplexy in the strenuous discharge of his duty.

Whilst these in-door remedial appliances were in progress, Agamemnon was
hurrying about in a hack cab to discover a designer in chalk, and at
length was fortunate enough to secure the "own artist" of the celebrated
"Crown and Anchor." Mr. Smear was a shrewd man, as well as an excellent
artist; and when he perceived the very peculiar position of things, he
forcibly enumerated all the difficulties which presented themselves, and
which could only be surmounted by a large increase of remuneration.

"You see, sir," said Mr. Smear, "that wherever that ere water _has_ been
it's left a dampness ahind it; the moistur' consekent upon such a dampness
must be evaporated by ever-so-many applications of the warming-pan. The
steam which a rises from this hoperation, combined with the extra hart
required to hide them two black spots in the middle, will make the job
come to one-pund-one, independently of the chalk."

Agamemnon had nothing left but compliance with Mr. Smear's demand; and one
warming and three stew-pans, filled with live coals, were soon engaged in
what Mr. Smear called the "ewaporating department." As soon as the boards
were sufficiently dry, Mr. Smear commenced operations. In each of the four
corners of the room he described the diagram of a coral and bells,
connecting th