wish to
preserve your incognito?

_Wit._ (_in sepulchral tones_). I do. But if his Lordship desires it,
I will write my name on a piece of paper and pass it up.

_Judge_. Well, certainly, I think I ought to know everything, and--
(_Receives piece of paper disclosing the information, and starts back
in his chair astonished_). Dear me! Good gracious! Dear me!

_First Lead._ I think I should mention that I have not the
faintest idea who this witness is, and only call him, acting under
instructions. (_To Witness._) Do you know anything about the matter in
dispute?

_Witness_ (_with a sepulchral laugh_). Ha! ha! ha! Nothing. Your
question is indeed a good joke. Nothing, I repeat, absolutely nothing!

_First Lead._ (_annoyed_). Then you can sit down.

_Second Lead._ (_sharply_). Pardon me--not quite so fast! You say you
know nothing about the matter in dispute, and yet you come here!

_Witness_ (_in a deeper voice than ever_). Exactly.

_Second Lead._ But why, my dear Sir--Why? What is the point of it? Who
may you be?

_Witness_. It is not _may_ be--but who I am!

_Second Lead._ Well, tell us who you are. (_Persuasively._) Come, who
are you?

_Witness_ (_throwing off his disguise_). Who am I? Why, HAWKSHAW the
Detective!

_Counsel Generally_ (_to Judge_). Then, my Lord, under the altered
circumstances of the case, we can appear no longer before you. (_With
deep and touching emotion._) We retire from the case!

_Judge_ (_not very appropriately_). Then if _Box and Cox_ are
satisfied, all I can say is that I am. I may add that I consider that
the case has been conducted nobly, and that I knew how it would end
from the very first. I am thoroughly satisfied.

_Jury_. And so are we, my Lord--never so interested in our lives!

_Newspaper Editor_ (_departing_). Ah, if we only had a trial like
this every day, we should require but one line on the Contents Bill!
(_Curtain._)

* * * * *

THE SAFEST NEW YEAR RESOLVE.--To make none.

* * * * *

NOTICE--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed
Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case
be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed
Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.

End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Volume
102, Jan. 2, 1892, by Various

*** END OF THIS P