not?--to both of us? I am not a model person, Heaven
knows!--very far from it. There are scores of things in my
life to be ashamed of. And please remember that last year I
had never seen you; if I had, much might have gone
differently.

"But how can I defend myself? I owe you so much. Ought not
that, of itself, to make you realize how great is your power
to hurt me, and how small are my powers of resistance? The
humiliations you can inflict upon me are infinite, and I have
no rights, no weapons, against you.

"I hardly know what I am saying. It is very late, and I am
writing this after a dinner at the club given me by two or
three of my brother officers. It was a dinner in my honor, to
congratulate me on my good fortune. They are good fellows,
and it should have been a merry time. But my half hour in
your room had killed all power of enjoyment for me. They
found me a wretched companion, and we broke up early. I came
home through the empty streets, wishing myself, with all my
heart, away from England--facing the desert. Let me just say
this. It is not of good omen that now, when I want all my
faculties at their best, I should suddenly find myself
invaded by this distress and despondency. You have some
responsibility now in my life and career; if you would, you
cannot get rid of it. You have not increased the chances of
your friend's success in his great task.

"You see how I restrain myself. I could write as madly as I
feel--violently and madly. But of set purpose we pitched our
relation in a certain key and measure; and I try, at least,
to keep the measure, if the music and the charm must go. But
why, in God's name, should they go? Why have you turned
against me? You have listened to slanderers; you have
secretly tried me by tests that are not in the bargain, and
you have judged and condemned me without a hearing, without a
word. I can tell you I am pretty sore.

"I will come and see you no more in company for the present.
You gave me a footing with you, which has its own dignity.
I'll guard it; not even from you will I accept anything else.
But--unless, indeed, the grove is cut down and the bird flown
forever--let me come when you are alone. Then charge me with
what you will. I am an earthy creature, struggling throug