influence the
conduct of statesmen, you could have made so silly a speech as you did
yesterday, I cannot understand."

"My dear father, allow me to assure you that the ideas I expressed are
the new ideas most in vogue,--ideas expressed in still plainer, or, if
you prefer the epithet, still sillier terms than I employed. You will
find them instilled into the public mind by 'The Londoner' and by most
intellectual journals of a liberal character."

"Kenelm, Kenelm, such ideas would turn the world topsy-turvy."

"New ideas always do tend to turn old ideas topsy-turvy. And the world,
after all, is only an idea, which is turned topsy-turvy with every
successive century."

"You make me sick of the word 'ideas.' Leave off your metaphysics and
study real life."

"It is real life which I did study under Mr. Welby. He is the
Archimandrite of Realism. It is sham life which you wish me to study. To
oblige you I am willing to commence it. I dare say it is very pleasant.
Real life is not; on the contrary--dull," and Kenelm yawned again.

"Have you no young friends among your fellow-collegians?"

"Friends! certainly not, sir. But I believe I have some enemies, who
answer the same purpose as friends, only they don't hurt one so much."

"Do you mean to say that you lived alone at Cambridge?"

"No, I lived a good deal with Aristophanes, and a little with Conic
Sections and Hydrostatics."

"Books. Dry company."

"More innocent, at least, than moist company. Did you ever get drunk,
sir?"

"Drunk!"

"I tried to do so once with the young companions whom you would commend
to me as friends. I don't think I succeeded, but I woke with a headache.
Real life at college abounds with headache."

"Kenelm, my boy, one thing is clear: you must travel."

"As you please, sir. Marcus Antoninus says that it is all one to a stone
whether it be thrown upwards or downwards. When shall I start?"

"Very soon. Of course there are preparations to make; you should have a
travelling companion. I don't mean a tutor,--you are too clever and
too steady to need one,--but a pleasant, sensible, well-mannered young
person of your own age."

"My own age,--male or female?"

Sir Peter tried hard to frown. The utmost he could do was to reply
gravely, "FEMALE! If I said you were too steady to need a tutor, it was
because you have hitherto seemed little likely to be led out of your
way by female allurements. Among your other studies may I inquire if you
h