cy, that some day my existence
might perhaps be rendered more intense, by the admiration of these
maddening but then mysterious creatures; could, could I have dreamt of
what has happened? Is not this the very point in which my career has
most out-topped my lofty hopes?

'I have read, and sometimes heard, of _satiety_. It must then be satiety
that I feel; for I do feel more like a doomed man, than a young noble
full of blood and youth. And yet, satiety; it is a word. What then? A
word is breath, and am I wiser? Satiety! Satiety! Satiety! Oh! give me
happiness! Oh! give me love!

'Ay! there it is, I feel it now. Too well I feel that happiness must
spring from purer fountains than self-love. We are not born merely for
ourselves, and they who, full of pride, make the trial, as I have done,
and think that the world is made for them, and not for mankind, must
come to as bitter results, perhaps as bitter a fate; for, by Heavens! I
am half tempted at this moment to fling myself from off this cliff, and
so end all.

'Why should I live? For virtue, and for duty; to compensate for all
my folly, and to achieve some slight good end with my abused and
unparalleled means. Ay! it is all vastly rational, and vastly sublime,
but it is too late. I feel the exertion above me. I am a lost man.

'We cannot work without a purpose and an aim. I had mine, although it
was a false one, and I succeeded. Had I one now I might succeed again,
but my heart is a dull void. And Caroline, that gentle girl, will not
give me what I want; and to offer her but half a heart may break hers,
and I would not bruise that delicate bosom to save my dukedom. Those
sad, silly parents of hers have already done mischief enough; but I will
see Darrell, and will at least arrange that. I like him, and will make
him my friend for her sake. God! God! why am I not loved! A word from
her, and all would change. I feel a something in me which could put all
right. I have the will, and she could give the power.

'Now see what a farce life is! I shall go on, Heaven knows how! I cannot
live long. Men like me soon bloom and fade. What I may come to, I dread
to think. There is a dangerous facility in my temper; I know it well,
for I know more of myself than people think; there is a dangerous
facility which, with May Dacre, might be the best guaranty of virtue;
but with all others, for all others are at the best weak things, will as
certainly render me despicable, perhaps degrade