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s," he added, "to _your_ ear That sounds an easy thing? Try it yourself, my little dear! It took _me_ something like a year, With constant practising. "And when you've learned to squeak, my man And caught the double sob, You're pretty much where you began: Just try and gibber if you can! That's something _like_ a job! "_I've_ tried it, and can only say I'm sure you couldn't do it, e- ven if you practised night and day, Unless you have a turn that way, And natural ingenuity. "Shakspeare I think it is who treats Of Ghosts, in days of old, Who 'gibbered in the Roman streets,' Dressed, if you recollect, in sheets-- They must have found it cold. "I've often spent ten pounds on stuff, In dressing as a Double; But, though it answers as a puff, It never has effect enough To make it worth the trouble. "Long bills soon quenched the little thirst I had for being funny. The setting-up is always worst: Such heaps of things you want at first, One must be made of money! [Illustration] "For instance, take a Haunted Tower, With skull, cross-bones, and sheet; Blue lights to burn (say) two an hour, Condensing lens of extra power, And set of chains complete: "What with the things you have to hire-- The fitting on the robe-- And testing all the coloured fire-- The outfit of itself would tire The patience of a Job! "And then they're so fastidious, The Haunted-House Committee: I've often known them make a fuss Because a Ghost was French, or Russ, Or even from the City! "Some dialects are objected to-- For one, the _Irish_ brogue is: And then, for all you have to do, One pound a week they offer you, And find yourself in Bogies!" CANTO V. Byckerment. "Don't they consult the 'Victims,' though?" I said. "They should, by rights, Give them a chance--because, you know, The tastes of people differ so, Especially in Sprites." The Phantom shook his head and smiled. "Consult them? Not a bit! 'Twould be a job to drive one wild, To satisfy one single child-- There'd be no end to it!" "Of course you can't leave _children_ free," Said I, "to pick and choose: But, in the case of men like me, I think 'Mine Host' might fairly be Allowed to state his views." He said "
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