* * *

"Horse (vanner), thick set, 16 hands, 7 years, master 2 tons, reason
sale, requires care when taken out of harness."--_Birmingham Daily
Mail_.

Any horse might be excused for kicking up his heels on getting rid of a
master of that weight.

* * * * *

"Furnished room wanted; preferable where chicken run."--_Enfield
Gazette_.

Our landlady won't let us keep even a canary in ours.

* * * * *

"BARONY UNITED FREE CHURCH.--Special Lecture--'The Great War Novel, Mr.
Bristling Sees it Through.'"_--Glasgow Evening News_.

Mr. WELLS ought to have thought of this.

* * * * *

HELPING LORD DEVONPORT.

"Francesca," I said, "what are you doing to help Lord DEVONPORT?"

"Lots of things," she said. "For one thing, we're living under his
ration-scheme, and we're doing it pretty well, thank you."

"Yes, I know," I said; "I've heard you mention it once or twice. It seems
to consist very largely of rissoles and that kind of food."

"Well," she said, "we must use up everything; and, besides, you'd soon get
tired of beefsteak if I gave it to you every day."

"Tired of beefsteak?" I said. "Never. The toughest steak would always be a
joy to me."

"I've come to the conclusion," she said, "that men really like their
eatables tough."

"Yes, they want something they can bite into, you know."

"But you can't bite into our beefsteak, now can you?"

"Perhaps not," I said, "but you can't help feeling it's there, which is a
great help when you're being rationed."

"That," she said, "may be all very well for a man, but women don't care for
that feeling. They like their food light but stimulating."

"They do," I said, "and they prefer it all brought in on one tray and at
irregular hours. Lord DEVONPORT'S scheme is to them a sort of wicked
abundance. To a man it is--"

"Plenty and to spare," she said. "Why, you won't have to tighten your belt
even by one hole. Now admit, if you hadn't known you were being rationed
you'd never have found it out."

"I will admit," I said, "that if the privations we have suffered this last
week in the matter of beefsteaks and that kind of food are the worst that
can happen to us we shan't have much to complain of--but I should like a
chop to-night instead of a rissole."

"You can call it a chop if you like, but it's going to be a cutlet."

"Well, anyho