.
"Think what you'd feel like if you was me."

"Why, it's you a-sendin' me," protested Jem. "I won't go if you don't
want me to leave yer."

Tilda flung back her head with an impatient snort at man's obtuseness.

"You don't s'pose I'm whinin' cos you're goin', do you?" she demanded.

An abashed Jem diminished perceptibly.

"Well, why then?" he asked humbly.

"Cos I can't go, stoopid. It ain't fair."

* * * * *

A BENEFACTOR.

Their blazon flashed across the sky
Or ever the War began;
In divers spots it struck the eye
Of every passing man.
Aloft the flickering words would run,
Curtly commanding me
To use the Soap of Such a One,
Or swallow Someone's Tea.

But oh, in London's sky to-day
Such legends no man meets,
And, as I go my cautious way
By dark but decent streets,
I think of him who bade depart
These beacons' blatant din,
And almost find it in my heart
To bless Count ZEPPELIN.

* * * * *

"FIVE HOLES IN HULL.

GLASGOW BEING REPAIRED IN RIO DE JANEIRO."--_Star._

More news for Germans: "Successful bombardment of British towns."

* * * * *

Illustration: _Cavalry Instructor._ "FROM WHERE DID YOU RECEIVE
INSTRUCTIONS TO DISMOUNT, SIR?"

_Raw Recruit._ "FROM HINDQUARTERS, SIR."

* * * * *

A SOLDIER'S SERVANT.

Dear _Mr. Punch_,--I am only a dog, but as you have a dog of your own
you will be able to sympathise with me and understand my feelings. If
you don't, ask him and he will explain.

My master tells me he is going to a place called The Front, and he seems
awfully pleased with the idea. But my mistress is not pleased at all,
though she tries to smile and look happy when he talks about it. All the
same, I have found her several times crying quietly by herself, and have
had to lick her face thoroughly all over in order to cheer her up.

At first, when my master told me he was going to this mysterious place,
I simply barked and wagged my tail and jumped about, because, of course,
I thought I was going there too, and it doesn't matter to me where he
goes as long as I go with him. Imagine therefore my feelings when it
gradually leaked out that I was to be left behind. When the truth dawned
upon me I was so upset that I lay for a whole day on the doorstep in a
dazed condition, whilst several cats _who knew me well_