nty. If
peace and quiet were the only remedies which could strengthen my
suffering nerves, and ward off the menacing disease from my oppressed
chest, then I could only be saved by the firm belief that I was doomed.
And the undecided wavering hope of life would only have aggravated my
illness.

How artfully the crafty, malicious, cruel friend brought about what he
thought good for me. This drawing, with what seeming reluctance he put
it in my hands, in order that I might have impressed on my mind a fixed
tangible vision of my danger, that I might be well armed against all
rising hopes, all glimmering wishes. Then his exhortation not on any
account to consult a doctor who would certainly only seek to delude me,
to spare my feelings, in the way all medical men treated their
patients. His emotion when I left, his praise of my firmness and
self-command--Still I cannot bear him ill-will. He does not know what
sort of life it was, he sought to give back to me, by this stratagem.
After having resigned it, it appears so paltry and valueless; how
painful it is to me to begin anew with all the trifles of this world to
which I had already become dead, and to bear what now seems doubly
odious to me after having lived in a higher and nobler sphere; to fall
back into the dreary drudgery of a girl's life; to be once more tied
down to the narrow, commonplace customs and prejudices of a small town;
to be observed, judged and pitied by one's so-called friends, who know
so little of the characters of their acquaintances, that they
invariably mistake their good qualities for their bad ones.

I must cease! my thoughts are lost in the deep gloom of a sunless
future, in which the dear faces of my father and Ernest are the only
bright spots.

What radiance streamed from the open gate, the entrance of which was
guarded by the angel of death.

February the 3rd.

The doctor has just left me. He has taken the letter with him, as he
thinks it very remarkable, and says he has not yet met with such a
thorough physiologist as my old friend. Perhaps he wishes to show the
letter to Morrik. From him not a word; I did not like to question the
doctor, as I had heard in the morning, that he was getting on well, and
yesterday for the first time, enjoyed the warm sunshine on his balcony.

To-day I fancied the doctor was very absent hurried, and mysterious; I
had to ask him if he permitted me to walk out