n.
With painful conscientiousness I go to stool every day at the
same hour; if the operation does not come off to my satisfaction
I feel not so much physical as mental discomfort. To this quite
useful hygienic interest became associated at puberty a sensual
interest. Since my fourteenth year I have had no greater
enjoyment than to defecate undressed (I do not do so now) after
having first carefully examined the distension of my abdomen. In
summer I would go into the woods, undress myself in a secluded
spot and indulge in the voluptuous pleasures of defecation. I
would sometimes combine with this a bath in a stream. I would
exhaust my imagination in the effort to invent specially
enjoyable variations, longed for a desert island where I could go
about naked, fill my body with much nourishing food, hold in the
excrement as long as possible and then discharge it in some
subtly-thought-out spot. These practices and ideas often caused
erections and later on emissions, but the genitals played no part
in my conceptions; their movements were uncomfortable and gave no
pleasure.

"I soon longed to be associated in these orgies with some boy of
the same age, but I wanted not only a companion in my passion,
but also a real friend. Since there could be no question of
masturbation or paederasty, our love would have been limited to
kisses, embraces, and--as a compensation for coitus--defecation
together. That would have been perfect bliss to me. I will spare
you the unaesthetic contents of my voluptuous dreams. But I
remained without a companion, and, therefore, without real
enjoyment. [He has, however, on various occasions experienced
erections, and even emissions, on seeing, by chance, men or boys
defecate.] Hinc illae lacrimae; the excitement over my own
defecation only took place _faute de mieux_.

"I knew very well that my thoughts and practices were impure and
contemptible. Ah! how often, when the intoxication was over, have
I thrown myself remorsefully on my knees, praying to God for
pardon! For some weeks I repressed my longing; but at last it was
too strong for me, I tried to justify myself and fell into my
vice anew. That I was guilty of licentiousness and loved boys
sexually first became clear to me later on, when I knew the
significance of erection as a sign of sexual exc