had captured a convoy containing three thousand _Versts_ (a sort of
condensed food), intended for the consumption of the opposing Army.
Tired with his labours, he was now lying at full length beside his
Imperial host on the banks of the torrential Narva. The CZAR, in
attempting to open, a Champagne bottle, had just broken one of his
Imperial nails, and had despatched his chief butler to Siberia,
observing with pleasant irony, that he would no doubt find a corkscrew
there. At this moment a tall and aristocratic stranger, mounted upon
a high-spirited native _Mokeoffskaia_, dashed up at full gallop. To
announce himself as Lieutenant-General POPOFF, to seize the refractory
bottle, to draw the cork, and pour the foaming liquid into the
Imperial glasses, was for him the work of a moment. That stranger
was I. In recognition of my promptitude, _the_ CZAR has conferred
upon me the Stewardship of the Vistula Hundreds, with the command
of a division of the Yeomanoff Cavalry, the most distinguished
horse-soldiers in Europe.

The German EMPEROR was equally impressed. His Majesty smiled, and,
turning to General CAPRIVI, told him to consider himself henceforth
under my orders for everything that concerned the peace of the world.
I could see that CAPRIVI did not relish this, but I soon made him know
his place, and when I threatened to send for Prince BISMARCK--who, by
the way, has granted me the unique honour of an interview--he became
quite calm and reasonable. On my way home, I called in on Prince
FERDINAND of Bulgaria, _who offered me his Crown_, telling me at the
same time that he intended to take a course of German Baths. He said
I should find STAMBOULOFF a very pleasant fellow; "but," he added,
"you've got to know him first."

I, of course, refused His Highness's offer, and accepted instead the
Cross for Valour on the Field of Battle. I then hurried off to Servia.
King MILAN informed me that, if I wished to take a Queen back with me
to England, he would dispose of one very cheaply. Having advised the
Regents as to the best method of governing the country, I departed
for Roumania. The Queen of ROUMANIA welcomed me as a literary man.
She writes all the Roumanian sporting prophecies in verse. The King
invested me at once with the _Stonibroku_ Order in brilliants, with
the _Iohu_ Clasp for special promise shown in connection with turf
literature. I may assure you in confidence that there will be no war
for the next week or two. Th