a Provincial Pit._)]

* * * * *

TRICKS UPON TRAVELLERS.

What means _Train de Luxe_? Peppery "PUNJAB" replies,
Two dirty sleeping-oars wherein one lies
Awaiting a breakfast; to feel disgust utter
At coffee, two boiled eggs, and plain roll and butter,
(Miscalled "_Grub de Luxe_," in the bitterest chaff,)
At the humorous price of four francs and a-half!
Item: Thirty-five francs for a bottle of brandy!
(A thing that--at breakfast--of course comes in handy).
A horrible dinner; no wine, and no beer,
Not even a soda your spirits to cheer;
No water to wash in at Turin--just think!
On arrival in France, not a drop e'en to drink!
What wonder poor "PUNJAB," who hails from the "Garrick,"
Got hungry as VASHTI, and dry as a hayrick?
An _Edition de Luxe_, as a rule, is a sell,
But a _Train de Luxe_ sure as a fraud bears the bell,
Which promises travel more cosy and quicker,
And leaves you half starved, without money--or liquor!

* * * * *

KILLING NO MURDER!--A Correspondent of the _Times_, protesting against
the assumption of combatant rank by the Army Surgeons, writes:--"A
military doctor is armed, and like others is entitled to defend
himself when attacked, but that is a very different thing from giving
him full licence to kill." The Correspondent evidently overlooks the
powers afforded by a medical diploma!

* * * * *

[Illustration: "IT'S AN ILL WIND" &C.

"Partridge-shooting will be postponed in several districts till the
middle of September."--_Daily Telegraph_, August, 28.

_Chorus of Partridges_. "LONG MAY IT RAIN!"]

* * * * *

MISLED BY A MANUAL!

(THE LAMENT OF A WOULD-BE LINGUIST.)

When on my Continental tour preparing to depart,
I bought a Conversation-Book, and got it up by heart;
A handy manual it seemed, convenient and neat,
And gave for each contingency a dialogue complete.

Upon the weather--wet _or_ fine--I could at will discourse,
Or bargain for a bonnet, or a boot-jack, or a horse;
Tell dentists, in three languages, which tooth it is that hurts;
Or chide a laundress for the lack of starch upon my shirts.

I landed full of idioms, which I fondly hoped to air--
But crushing disappointment met my efforts everywhere.
The waiters I in fluent French addressed at each hotel
Would answer me in English, and--confo