beaten, and helpless in the hands of an
implacable power, I fluttered like a wounded bird and sought wildly for
a loophole of escape. I could no longer hope to stand alone against
destiny; that conceit was gone: could I find a comrade to help me
through the press and lift me when I fell? But here the invincible pride
of shyness barred the way, forbidding alike any confession of weakness
or any appeal to man's compassion. I could not bring myself to say: I am
unable to rule my life, do you undertake it for me. Was marriage a
conceivable path of redemption? I had never envisaged it before, but
now, in my desperation, I dreamed it for a moment a possible issue. I
even fixed upon the person who should thus save me from myself, and
beguiled many lonely hours by picturing her charms and enumerating her
noble qualities.

She lived in a country house where I had been several times a guest, and
she had one of those faces which, in Gray's beautiful expression, speak
the language of all nations. Her features had that sunny charm which
thaws mistrust; she was dowered with all graces and sweet qualities; and
you could no more have doubted the immanent nobility of her nature than
you could have dreamed a stain in the texture of a white petal. And with
all her gentleness there was present I know not what sign and promise of
strength, waking in those who saw her an intuitive trust in loyalty of
uttermost proof. She would have flamed indignant against evil, but only
evil could have moved her from that equal poise of soul which made her
entrance into a room the prelude to higher thoughts and finer feelings.
She was naturally kind without consciousness of a mission, neither
seeking to enslave nor enfranchise, but by a silent outflowing of
goodness ennobling whatever company she was in. Nor was her tongue the
prattling servant of her beauty, but a guide of cheerful converse; for
just as she charmed without device or scheme of fascination, so she
possessed the art of speaking well without seeming to have ever studied
it. In the chase after just and felicitous ideas, she could lead or
follow over the most varied fields with the intuition of the huntress
born. With all these excellences, her wit, her sincerity, her ardour for
all things bright and true, she had no conceit of herself but kept her
father's house in gladness and loved the country-side.

To her, in these days of imminent dismay, my thoughts flew out as to a
fair protecting saint