hall
call the Self-centred. These are they who not only were never canvassed,
but didn't even so much as hear about it, who had probably given up
newspapers as a war economy and were living quiet virtuous lives in
out-of-the-way places. Add to them removals and conscientious objectors
(_less_ allowance for conscientious removals) and we have a total not
short of 27-1/2 per cent.

Then again, as the supply of recruits becomes exhausted, it must always
be remembered that we are dealing with a residuum. That is to say, those
that remain are always growing more conscientious, more criminal, more
unfit, more mercantile and so on. However, I count nothing for that, for
I haven't much of my total left to dispose of, and I have still to deal
with spoiled cards.

Everyone who has assisted at a contested election knows very well that
many mistakes occur. I propose to allow 3 per cent. for illegible cards
which prevented the canvasser from tracking his prey, 4 per cent. for
those who failed to find the recruiting office owing to misdirection,
but will be sure to find it before long, and 1/2 per cent. for sundries,
such as men who were temporarily confined to the house.

Our final result is thoroughly satisfactory, and one that must give
Compulsionists some food for thought, for however much they may wish to
introduce the principle they cannot desire to reduce our forces in the
field in the middle of a great war. In a word, we must deduct 101-1/2
per cent. from 651,160. That gives us an adverse balance of 9,767. This
means that, if the present Bill is to go through and compulsion is
definitely adopted, nearly half a division of our present army must be
disbanded forthwith. It is just as well that we should see clearly what
we are heading for.

It has given me great pleasure to have the opportunity of clearing up
this vexed question.

I am, Yours as usual,

STATISTICIAN. BIS.

* * * * *

FOR NEUTRALS.

[Illustration: "Why do we torpedo passenger ships? Because we are being
starved by the infamous English."]

FOR NATIVES.

[Illustration: "Who says we are in distress? Look what our splendid
organisation is doing!"]

* * * * *

THE IRREPRESSIBLES.

[Illustration: _Nurse_ (_of private hospital_). "A message has just come
in to ask if the hospital will make a little less noise, as the lady
next door has a touch of headache."]

* * *