g black eyes by back-answering.

***

A defendant told the Tower Bridge magistrate that he only took whisky
when he had a cold. It must be hard work for him to resist sitting by
an open window this weather.

***

A gold vase, said to have been stolen from Assyria 2478 years ago,
has just been found in a sarcophagus at Cairo. We understand that the
local police have been instructed to take action.

***

The typist who, as reported in these columns last week, fell out of a
moving train on the Isle of Wight Railway and had quite a lot to say
to the guard when she overtook the train, is now understood to have
been told she could keep on walking if she liked. However, as her
people were not expecting her until the train arrived, she again
entered the carriage from which she had fallen.

***

Russian soldiers are now permitted to smoke in the streets and to
travel in railway carriages. Later on it is hoped that the privilege
of dying a natural death may be extended to them.

* * * * *

[Illustration: _House-agent's Clerk_ (_to gentleman hunting for
a flat_). "NOW THEN, BE OFF WITH YOU. WE NEVER BUY ANYTHING FROM
ITINERANTS."]

* * * * *

THE CAM OFFENSIVE.

Once more on Barnwell's fetid ooze,
Neglected these long years of slaughter,
In stolid tubs the Lenten crews
Go forth to flog the same old water.

Fresh from the Somme's resilient phase,
From Flanders slime and bomb-proof burrows,
Much as we did in ancient days
They smite the Cam's repellent furrows.

Their coaches sit the old, old gees,
But with a manner something larger,
As warriors who between their knees
Have learned to steer the bounding charger.

Unchanged their language, rude and firm,
Save where a khaki note is sounded,
And here and there a towpath term
With military tags confounded.

"Get forward! Are you ready? Quick--
March!" "Get a move on! Keep it breezy!"
"Two, mind the step!" "Swing out and kick!"
"Halt! Sit at--ease! Ground--oars! Sit easy!"

"The dressing's bad all down the line."
"Eyes on your front rank's shoulders, Seven!
Don't watch the Cam--it's not the Rhine--
Or gaze for Gothas up in heaven!"

"I want to hear your rowlocks ring
Like a good volley, all together."
"Hands up (or 'Kamerad') as you swing
Straight from the hips. Don't sky your feat