ou invariably guess wrong, and are thereupon
regarded by all the relatives and friends as a mixture of fool and
knave, the enormity of alluding to a male babe as "she" being only
equaled by the atrocity of referring to a female infant as "he".
Whichever sex the particular child in question happens not to belong to
is considered as beneath contempt, and any mention of it is taken as a
personal insult to the family.

And as you value your fair name do not attempt to get out of the
difficulty by talking of "it."

There are various methods by which you may achieve ignominy and shame.
By murdering a large and respected family in cold blood and afterward
depositing their bodies in the water companies' reservoir, you will gain
much unpopularity in the neighborhood of your crime, and even robbing a
church will get you cordially disliked, especially by the vicar. But
if you desire to drain to the dregs the fullest cup of scorn and hatred
that a fellow human creature can pour out for you, let a young mother
hear you call dear baby "it."

Your best plan is to address the article as "little angel." The noun
"angel" being of common gender suits the case admirably, and the epithet
is sure of being favorably received. "Pet" or "beauty" are useful for
variety's sake, but "angel" is the term that brings you the greatest
credit for sense and good-feeling. The word should be preceded by a
short giggle and accompanied by as much smile as possible. And whatever
you do, don't forget to say that the child has got its father's nose.
This "fetches" the parents (if I may be allowed a vulgarism) more than
anything. They will pretend to laugh at the idea at first and will say,
"Oh, nonsense!" You must then get excited and insist that it is a fact.
You need have no conscientious scruples on the subject, because the
thing's nose really does resemble its father's--at all events quite as
much as it does anything else in nature--being, as it is, a mere smudge.

Do not despise these hints, my friends. There may come a time when,
with mamma on one side and grand mamma on the other, a group of admiring
young ladies (not admiring you, though) behind, and a bald-headed dab of
humanity in front, you will be extremely thankful for some idea of
what to say. A man--an unmarried man, that is--is never seen to such
disadvantage as when undergoing the ordeal of "seeing baby." A cold
shudder runs down his back at the bare proposal, and the sickly smile
with whi