making the slightest impression, and then Joe, who had
been eating potatoes, wanted to know if it wouldn't be better for some
one to do the job that understood carving. I took no notice of his
foolish remark, but attacked the bird again; and so vigorously this time
that the animal left the dish and took refuge in the fender.

We soon had it out of that, though, and I was prepared to make another
effort. But Joe was getting unpleasant. He said that if he had thought
we were to have a game of blind hockey with the dinner he would have got
a bit of bread and cheese outside.

I was too exhausted to argue. I laid down the knife and fork with
dignity and took a side seat and Joe went for the wretched creature. He
worked away in silence for awhile, and then he muttered "Damn the duck"
and took his coat off.

We did break the thing up at length with the aid of a chisel, but it
was perfectly impossible to eat it, and we had to make a dinner off the
vegetables and an apple tart. We tried a mouthful of the duck, but it
was like eating India-rubber.

It was a wicked sin to kill that drake. But there! there's no respect
for old institutions in this country.

I started this paper with the idea of writing about eating and drinking,
but I seem to have confined my remarks entirely to eating as yet. Well,
you see, drinking is one of those subjects with which it is inadvisable
to appear too well acquainted. The days are gone by when it was
considered manly to go to bed intoxicated every night, and a clear head
and a firm hand no longer draw down upon their owner the reproach
of effeminacy. On the contrary, in these sadly degenerate days an
evil-smelling breath, a blotchy face, a reeling gait, and a husky voice
are regarded as the hall marks of the cad rather than or the gentleman.

Even nowadays, though, the thirstiness of mankind is something
supernatural. We are forever drinking on one excuse or another. A man
never feels comfortable unless he has a glass before him. We drink
before meals, and with meals, and after meals. We drink when we meet a
friend, also when we part from a friend. We drink when we are talking,
when we are reading, and when we are thinking. We drink one another's
healths and spoil our own. We drink the queen, and the army, and the
ladies, and everybody else that is drinkable; and I believe if the
supply ran short we should drink our mothers-in-law.

By the way, we never eat anybody's health, always drink it.