and final persevering grace; so much so
that, a few days after my arrival at Teignmouth, I called election a
devilish doctrine. I did not believe that I had brought myself to the
Lord, for that was too manifestly false; but yet I held, that I might have
resisted finally. And further, I knew nothing about the choice of God's
people, and did not believe that the child of God, when once made so, was
safe for ever. In my fleshly mind I had repeatedly said, If once I could
prove that I am a child of God for ever, I might go back into the world
for a year or two, and then return to the Lord, and at last be saved. But
now I was brought to examine these precious truths by the word of God.
Being made willing to have no glory of my own in the conversion of
sinners, but to consider myself merely as an instrument; and being made
willing to receive what the Scriptures said; I went to the Word, reading
the New Testament from the beginning, with a particular reference to these
truths. To my great astonishment I found that the passages which speak
decidedly for election and persevering grace, were about four times as
many as those which speak apparently against these truths; and even those
few, shortly after, when I had examined and understood them, served to
confirm me in the above doctrines. As to the effect which my belief in
these doctrines had on me, I am constrained to state, for God's glory,
that though I am still exceedingly weak, and by no means so dead to the
lusts of the flesh, and the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life, as I
might and as I ought to be, yet, by the grace of God, I have walked more
closely with Him since that period. My life has not been so variable, and
I may say that I have lived much more for God than before. And for this
have I been strengthened by the Lord, in a great measure, through the
instrumentality of these truths. For in the time of temptation, I have
been repeatedly led to say: Should I thus sin? I should only bring misery
into my soul for a time, and dishonour God; for, being a son of God for
ever, I should have to be brought back again, though it might be in the
way of severe chastisement. Thus, I say, the electing love of God in
Christ (when I have been able to realize it) has often been the means of
producing holiness, instead of leading me into sin. It is only the
notional apprehension of such truths, the want of having them in the
heart, whilst they are in the head, which is dangerous.