e dreadfully rude things about me last night. Hope one of the local
speakers will give them a trouncing afterwards, _I'm_ expected to be
polite."

"_I congratulate you upon the growth of your Association, and the
excellent political work it is doing in this district_;" _i.e._, "Know
nothing about it, except what the pasty-faced Secretary has just crammed
me with, but must butter them a bit."

"_Your admirable Member, whose voice we hear only too seldom in the
House_;" _i.e._, "A silent 'stick' whose silence is his only merit."

"_No words of mine are necessary to commend this vote of thanks to your
good will. You all know your Chairman_;" _i.e._, How long will that
stammering idiot be allowed to preside at these meetings?

PARLIAMENTARY.

"_Of course I withdraw_;" _i.e._, "Of course I don't."

"_Of course, Sir, I bow to your ruling_;" _i.e._, "I'm sure you're
wrong."

"_Of course I accept the Honourable Gentleman's explanation_;" _i.e._,
"Can't _tell_ him he's a liar!"

"_When I entered the House to-night it was with no thought of being
called upon to address you_;" _i.e._, "I _should_ have been mad if I'd
missed the chance of letting off my long-stored rhetorical fireworks!"

AT A DANCE.

"_May I have the pleasure?_" _i.e._, "Wish to goodness she'd refuse, but
no such luck!"

"_Delighted!_" _i.e._, "I'd as soon dance with a tipsy Mammoth."

"_Awfully sorry, but I haven't one dance left;_" _i.e._, "I've three,
but if I'd thirty, he shouldn't have one, the lemon-headed little cad!"

"_I think I see Mamma looking for me;_" _i.e._, "Must get rid of the
bore somehow."

A LITTLE MUSIC.

"_Oh, will you play us that sweet little thing of yours in five flats?_"
_i.e._, "It isn't sweet, but it is short, which is something--with him!"

"_Won't you give us just one song, Mr. Howler? I won't ask you for
more_;" _i.e._, "Wouldn't for that, if I could help it."

* * * * *

MODERN TYPES.

(_By Mr. Punch's Own Type-writer._)

No. IX.--THE ADVERTISING BARRISTER.

[Illustration]

The Advertising Barrister may best be defined as the living and pushing
embodiment of self-assertion and impudence. He is not of those who by a
life of steady and honourable toil attain eventually to the high places
of their profession, whether at the Bar or in Parliament, without losing
the respect and friendship of their fellows. These too in the race of
life must pass many of the feebler runners, and