it's tiring work to sit on the Bench,
Hearing the Counsel, day by day,
Canting and ranting, while they clench
Their fists, and thump and hammer away:
Be their arguments weak or strong,
Whatever I say I'm in the wrong.
Ah me! who would be,
A badgered Judge of the Q.B.D.?

Whenever I crack a judicial jest,
Witnesses, jurors, suitors smile,
They quite understand I do my best,
A wearisome action to beguile:
"Silks" and "Juniors" seem to force,
A jeering laugh as a matter of course.
Ah me! who would be,
A jocular Judge of the Q.B.D.?

The public, solicitors, counsel, frown
And grumble and growl at the law's delay;
I'm never allowed to stop in town,
Off on Circuit I'm hurried away:
Election Petitions I'm made to judge,
On Irish Commissions I have to drudge.
Ah me! who would be,
A toiling Judge of the Q.B.D.?

To a _cause celebre_ I don't object,
Leaders of fashion around me sit,
My robes and ermine command respect,
I rather fancy I'm making a hit:
I feel there's a chance of getting, who knows?
Into _Vanity Fair_ or Madame Tussaud's.
Ah me! who would not be,
A popular Judge of the Q.B.D.?

When the Sittings are in full swing, I'm bound,
From half past ten till the clock strikes four,
In Court or in Chambers to be found,
With half an hour for my lunch or more:
Summons and motion and cause I hear,
I'm only paid, five thousand a-year!
Many a man would like to be,
Judge of the High Court Q.B.D.

* * * * *

ANTI-TEETOTAL OPERA, "_Eugene Onegin_" at the Olympic. Will it be
followed by _Ourjane Twobrandi_? and subsequently, by the celebrated
Opera, _Lotowiski_?

* * * * *

[Illustration: _Ethel_ (_who has picked up a few sporting phrases,
and thinks she can instruct her Governess_). "NO, I HAVEN'T HEARD
FROM MUMMY, BUT I'VE HEARD FROM POPPA. HE HAS KILLED 137 GROUSE, BUT I
DON'T KNOW WHETHER THEY'RE BRACES."]

* * * * *

OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.

"For graphic touch and keen appreciation of humour, for easy
conversational narration, give me," quoth the Baron, "the papers
now being published in _Household Words_ (most appropriate place for
them), written by MONTAGU WILLIAMS, Q.C. and Magistrate." His paper
on Ramsgate, telling how he travelled down, who his companions
were, is as thor