and was thrust into one of two congealed rows of mortality,
which faced each other from opposite benches.

Then the people filled the passage; they crowded it to suffocation; they
piled on to the platforms in battalions; six wretches depended from the
hind brake; others were suspended from the top of the car, with hands
and feet thrust through the leathers, and two actually balanced
themselves around the driver's neck.

Fearful moans arose from the enormous mass of condensed humanity; people
panted for breath; they gasped, and rolled their eyes in horrible
frenzy, and still the conductor yelled fiercely, and with demoniac
leer:--

And thus his Voice rang through the stifling air,
"Plenty of room in front, move forward, there!"

It was raining; parasols leaked into my shoes, soaking water-proofs
embraced me, and monstrous brogans crushed my feet to chaos; then,
umbrellas punched my eyes, out, jabbed holes in my hat, and wrote
hieroglyphics all over my shirt bosom, while baskets of meat were
deposited in my lap, and the intruding tail of a codfish roughly slapped
my face a dozen times.

In short, I emerged from that car ruined, wilted, and utterly
demoralized.

When I got home my wife didn't know me, and I could only prove my
identity by carefully scraping my feet, hanging up my hat, and otherwise
exhibiting the results of her superior disciplinary powers. My hardest
work, however, was to establish the fact that I hadn't been rolled in
the gutter, my rheumatic hobble, dilapidated aspect, and blood-shot eyes
telling fearfully against me.

The next time I ride in a horse-car, I shall take a private hack.

S.R. DEEN.

* * * * *

A Con of the Period.

When this cruel war is over, and crowds of tourists rush to see the
place where LOUIS NAPOLEON surrendered, why will that place be like
BRYANT'S Minstrels?

Because such a lot of people will go to See DAN.

* * * * *

Con from Our Correspondent in benighted Africa.

Why would CAESAR have made a fine novelist?

Because he was a great Roman--Sir.

* * * * *

[Illustration: HAD HIM THERE.

_Brown._ "BET YOU FIFTY DOLLARS THE WAR IS OVER IN FRANCE IN FIVE DAYS."

_Smith._ "BET YOU A HUNDRED IT ISN'T."

_Brown._ "SHELL OUT YOUR HUNDRED--THE WAR IS OVER THERE NOW, ISN'T
IT?--HA! HA! HA!"]

* * * * *

LETTER FROM A SCHOOLMA