, upright man,
had I been allowed to remain in the beaten track; but I was not made
for contest. I weep to think of what I have become; I who was once so
different! If I live, my life will be a greater shame upon my children
than my death. That will be soon forgotten; the next season the grass
will be growing on my grave. By your faithful heart, and by all the
acts of kindness you have ever done me, I conjure you to be a father to
my forsaken children. My poor children,--I dare not think of them. I
was foolish enough once to fancy I could make a good father; but I
cannot; I can be nothing. If love is not freely given me, I cannot win
it; that is my misery, that is my ruin. A wall of glass is about me
that I try in vain to surmount. My mother was right in saying we can
sow and plant and force a harvest by our industry, but one thing must
grow of itself, and that is love. It will not grow for me where I had a
right to look for it.

"Take my children out of the village when I am buried. I would not have
them see me. Pray the mayor and the minister to have me laid beside my
parents and my brethren. They were happier than I. Why was I alone left
to live for such an end as this?

"You are my little William's godfather,--take him now for your own
child. You always said he had a taste for drawing; take him to your own
home and teach him. If it be possible, be reconciled with my uncle
Petrovitsch. Perhaps he will do something for my children when I am
gone, for I am sure he likes you; I would not tell you now what I did
not know to be true. You may still be good friends together. His heart
is kinder than he will acknowledge, as my mother always said. My
wife--but I will say nothing of her. If my children are happy, let her
be forgiven for my sake.

"I have been driven to hearing and saying such words as I had never
imagined tongue could utter.

"I am in prison and must escape. I have lived through days and watched
through nights that were as years. I can endure no more; I am tired,
tired even to death. For months I have not closed my eyes and tried to
sleep, without being assailed by visions of horror that pursue me
through the day. I can bear this black and haunted sleep no longer; I
must have the quiet sleep of death.

"In return for the money I owe you, take the watch which you will find
on my body. It will tick on against your faithful heart when my heart
shall have ceased to beat. When my effects are sold, buy my fath