you think of this country, and, if
you visit the World's Fair some adventurous person may ask your opinion
of Chicago. It is needless to say that a favorable opinion cannot be too
highly colored, and if tinted with vermilion, will conduce to the
pleasure of your stay. [Laughter.] You will have little opportunity to
admire the wonders of our natural scenery save at Niagara. You will be
able to appreciate the reply of an American Naval officer to an English
friend in Italy when each had been maintaining the superiority of his
own country. Finally the grand spectacle of Mount Vesuvius in eruption,
throwing its brilliant rays across the Bay of Naples, burst upon their
astonished gaze.

"Now, look at that," said the Englishman. "You haven't got anything in
America that comes anywhere near that."

"No," replied the Yankee, "we haven't got Vesuvius, but we have got a
waterfall that could put that thing out in less than five minutes."
[Laughter.]

At Chicago your professional instinct will lead you to admire the
magnificent turreted battleship which, in consequence of a convention
with England that neither shall maintain a fleet upon the Great Lakes,
is built upon piles, and of such substantial material that there are
fears it cannot withstand the atmospheric concussion from the fire of
the big Krupp gun. But I need not rehearse the experiences to come. You
would weary in their telling. We shall keep you as long as possible and
be loath to part with you. And if we have our way, your experience will
be like that of the old lady, who was travelling on the underground
railroad in London. Just as they were approaching a station, she said to
a gentleman, in the compartment with her: "Will you assist me to alight
at this station, sir? I am, as you see, rather stout, and I have a
physical infirmity which makes it necessary for me to step out
backwards, and every time I try to get out the guard bundles me back
into the car, shouts 'All aboard,' shuts the door, and I have gone
around this line three times already." [Great laughter.]

At this gate of the continent we begin the pageant of the Columbian
Exposition. By the cruel irony of fate the promoters and sponsor of this
great display cannot have any hand in the Fair. The Spaniards have a
proverb that you can't at the same time ring the bell and be in the
procession [laughter]; and although you can make Chicago a seaport by
Act of Congress, you cannot get a fleet of six thousand to