I came to my cherished treasures, some of which were God-given
blessings, but unquestionably the Holy Spirit said they must be yielded
up a burnt offering unto the Lord. My will must become swallowed up into
the will of God completely, even to this death. I said, "Yes, Lord, I
will"; but the yes found a hesitancy. It did not reach the depths of my
heart. I kept saying it over and over--"Yes, Lord"--and tried to get it
deeper every time I said it; but the Lord knew it did not reach the
inmost depths. That was a wonderful day to me, but it was not the day of
my death, as it was of my companion. She told in meeting that evening
what the Lord had wrought. I told what I was trying to say to the
Lord--"Thy will be done."

Time passed by and I still hesitated. I wanted the Lord's perfect will,
but also wanted just a little of my will. I wanted both, but the Lord
showed that I could have but one; and I plainly knew which one, if I was
ever to obtain the grace of sanctification. The life of my companion was
a daily testimony which only added to my trouble. I knew she had what
she never had before. Her life before was all that I ever expected to
find in a true, devoted, Christian woman, but now in some marvelous
manner there was vastly more heaven in her life than before, and the
marked absence of everything unlike heaven. I knew she was sanctified,
and I knew I was not. She had just what I must have, and what my soul
was longing for these years. Oh, why could I not just now say "Yes!"
with my whole heart and die the death and gain the abundant life?
Sometimes I was under such conviction that I felt miserable. I asked God
to forgive me for not yielding up my whole heart as I knew he would have
me do.

* * * * *

Weeks and months passed and my attention became absorbed in business and
the cares of life, but these months were more unsatisfactory than all my
previous Christian life, and some of this time I certainly lived on a
very low plane of spirituality, and it is evident that I at last came to
the point where my justification would have been forfeited had I not
gone over and possessed the land. I struggled and suffered sometimes
unutterably. After the struggle was over and I was sanctified I could
look back and see where I had come up to a deep chasm so deep and dark
that I could not see the bottom. It was too wide for me to step across.
On the other side was everything my soul longed for. I cou