as McPhail, A Company, 10th Wessex Rangers,
at the remuneration of one shilling and twopence per diem."

"Do you like it?" asked Doggie.

Phineas rubbed the side of his thick nose thoughtfully.

"There you come to the metaphysical conception of human happiness," he
replied. "In itself it is a vile life. To a man of thirty-five----"

"Good lord!" cried Doggie, "I always thought you were about fifty!"

"Your mother caught me young, laddie. To a man of thirty-five, a
graduate of ancient and honourable universities and a whilom candidate
for holy orders, it is a life that would seem to have no attraction
whatever. The hours are absurd, the work distasteful, and the mode of
living repulsive. But strange to say, it fully contents me. The secret
of happiness lies in the supple adaptability to conditions. When I
found that it was necessary to perform ridiculous antics with my legs
and arms, I entered into the comicality of the idea and performed them
with an indulgent zest which soon won me the precious encomiums of my
superiors in rank. When I found that the language of the canteen was
not that of the pulpit or the drawing-room, I quickly acquired the new
vocabulary and won the pleasant esteem of my equals. By means of this
faculty of adaptability I can suck enjoyment out of everything. But,
at the same time, mind you, keeping in reserve a little secret fount
of pleasure."

"What do you call a little secret fount of pleasure?" asked Doggie.

"I'll give you an illustration--and, if you're the man I consider you
to be, you'll take a humorous view of my frankness. At present I adapt
myself to a rough atmosphere of coarseness and lustiness, in which
nothing coarse or lusty I could do would produce the slightest ripple
of a convulsion: but I have my store of a cultivated mind and cheap
editions of the classics, my little secret fount of Castaly to drink
from whenever I so please. On the other hand, when I had the honour of
being responsible for your education, I adapted myself to a hot-house
atmosphere in which Respectability and the concomitant virtues of
Supineness and Sloth were cultivated like rare orchids; but in my
bedroom I kept a secret fount which had its source in some good Scots
distillery."

Whereupon he attacked his plateful of chicken with vehement gusto.

"You're a hedonist, Phineas," said Doggie, after a thoughtful pause.

"Man," said Phineas, laying down his knife and fork, "you've just hit
it. I am. I'm