e becomes to me an unreal
thing, and myself becomes unreal to those around me; only to thee do I
retain anything of my vanished self. So why should I remain? For thy
sake, lest thou be lonely here? Well, that is reason enough, and I will
bear the burden of life as well as I can for thy sake. A burden it is,
and for a reason that thou mayest not divine, for thou art still a young
man in my eyes, and, moreover, hast not lived under a roof for many
years listening to learned interpretations of Scripture. Thou hast not
guessed, nor wilt thou ever guess, till age reveals it to thee, that as
we grow old we no longer concern ourselves to love God as we used to
love him. No one would have thought, not even thou, whose mind is always
occupied with God, and who is more conscious of him perhaps than any one
I have known, no one, I say, not even thou, would have thought that as
we approach death our love of God should grow weaker, but this is so. In
great age nothing seems to matter, and it is this indifference that I
wish to escape from. Thou goest forth in the morning to lead thy flock
in search of pasture, if need be many hours, and God is nearer to us in
the wilderness than he is among men. This meaning, Jesus said, that
under this roof I, too, may cease to love God? Not cease to love God:
one doesn't cease to love God, Hazael answered. But, Hazael, this night
I've yielded up the flocks to a new shepherd, for my limbs have grown
weary, and what thou tellest me of old age frightens me. Thou wouldst
warn me that God is only loved on the hills under the sky---- I am too
weak to choose my thoughts or my words, and many things pass out of my
mind, Hazael answered. Had I remembered I shouldn't have spoken. But why
not speak, Father? Jesus asked, so that I may be prepared in a measure
for the new life that awaits me. Life never comes twice in the same way,
Hazael replied; nor do the same things befall any two men. I know not
what may befall thee: but the sky, Jesus, will always be before thine
eyes and the green fields under thy feet, even while listening to
Mathias. But thou didst live once under the sky, Jesus said. Not long
enough, Hazael murmured, but the love of God was ardent in me when I
walked by day and night, sleeping under the stars, seeking young men who
could give up their lives to the love of God and bringing them back
hither into the fold of the Essenes. In those days there was little else
in me but love of God, and I cou