"'Sartainly,' said I, 'any thin' you please: I leave it entirely to you;
jist name what you think proper, and I will liquidate it.'

"'I said, I knew you would behave like a gentleman, Sir,' sais he, 'for,
sais I, don't talk to me of law, name it to the gentleman, and he'll do
what is right; he'll behave liberal, you may depend.'

"'You said right,' sais I, 'and now, Sir, what's the damage?'

"'Fifty pounds, I should think about the thing, Sir,' said he.

"'Certainly,' said I, 'you shall have the fifty pounds, but you must
give me a receipt in full for it.'

"'By all means,' said he, and he was a cuttin' off full chisel to get a
stamp, when I sais, 'Stop,' sais I, 'uncle, mind and put in the receipt,
the bill of items, and charge 'em separate?'

"'Bill of items? sais he.

"'Yes,' sais I, 'let me see what each is to get. Well, there's the
waiter, now. Say to knockin' down the waiter and kicking him, so much;
then there's the barmaid so much, and so on. I make no objection, I am
willin' to pay all you ask, but I want to include all, for I intend to
post a copy of it in the elegant cabins of each of our splendid New York
Liners. This house convenes the Americans--they all know _me_. I want
them to know how their _Attache_ was imposed on, and if any American
ever sets foot in this cussed house agin I will pay his bill, and post
that up too, as a letter of credit for him.'

"'You wouldn't take that advantage of me, Sir?' said he.

"'I take no advantage,' sais I. 'I'll pay you what you ask, but you
shall never take advantage agin of another free and enlightened American
citizen, I can tell you.'

"'You must keep your money then, Sir,' said he, 'but this is not a fair
deal; no gentleman would do it.'

"'What's fair, I am willin' to do,' sais I; 'what's onfair, is what
you want to do. Now, look here: I knocked the waiter down; here is two
sovereigns for him; I won't pay him nothin' for the kickin', for that
I give him out of contempt, for not defendin' of himself. Here's three
sovereigns for the bar-maid; she don't ought to have nothin', for she
never got so innocent a kiss afore, in all her born days I know, for
I didn't mean no harm, and she never got so good a one afore nother,
that's a fact; but then _I_ ought to pay, I do suppose, because I hadn't
ought to treat a lady that way; it was onhansum', that's fact; and
besides, it tante right to give the galls a taste for such things. They
come fast enough in the