to arrange for
the pulpit being filled. The bellman of Craigie parish, by name Matthew
Dinning, and at this time about eighty years of age, was a very little
"crined[175]" old man, and always wore a broad Scottish blue bonnet,
with a red "bob" on the top. The parish is a small rural one, so that
Matthew knew every inhabitant in it, and had seen most of them grow up.
On this particular day, after the congregation had waited for some time,
Matthew was seen to walk very slowly up the middle of the church, with
the large Bible and psalm-book under his arm, to mount the pulpit stair;
and after taking his bonnet off, and smoothing down his forehead with
his "loof," thus addressed the audience:--

"My freens, there was ane Wuds tae hae preached here the day, but he has
nayther comed himsell, nor had the ceevility tae sen' us the scart o' a
pen. Ye'll bide here for ten meenonts, and gin naebody comes forrit in
that time, ye can gang awa' hame. Some say his feyther's dead; as for
that I kenna."

The following is another illustration of the character of the old
Scottish betheral. One of those worthies, who was parochial
grave-digger, had been missing for two days or so, and the minister had
in vain sent to discover him at most likely places. He bethought, at
last, to make inquiry at a "public" at some distance from the village,
and on entering the door he met his man in the trance, quite fou,
staggering out, supporting himself with a hand on each wa'. To the
minister's sharp rebuke and rising wrath for his indecent and shameful
behaviour, John, a wag in his way, and emboldened by liquor, made
answer, "'Deed, sir, sin' I ca'd at the manse, I hae buried an auld
wife, and I've just drucken her, hough an' horn." Such was his candid
admission of the manner in which he had disposed of the church fees paid
for the interment.

An encounter of wits between a laird and an elder:--A certain laird in
Fife, well known for his parsimonious habits, and who, although his
substance largely increased, did not increase his liberality in his
weekly contribution to the church collection, which never exceeded the
sum of one penny, one day by mistake dropped into the plate at the door
half-a-crown; but discovering his error before he was seated in his pew,
he hurried back, and was about to replace the coin by his customary
penny, when the elder in attendance cried out, "Stop, laird; ye may put
_in_ what ye like, but ye maun tak naething _oot_!" The