I cannot refrain taking notice here what reflections I now had upon the
vast variety of my particular circumstances; how hard I thought it that
I, who had spent forty years in a life of continual difficulties, and was
at last come, as it were, to the port or haven which all men drive at,
viz. to have rest and plenty, should be a volunteer in new sorrows by my
own unhappy choice, and that I, who had escaped so many dangers in my
youth, should now come to be hanged in my old age, and in so remote a
place, for a crime which I was not in the least inclined to, much less
guilty of. After these thoughts something of religion would come in; and
I would be considering that this seemed to me to be a disposition of
immediate Providence, and I ought to look upon it and submit to it as
such. For, although I was innocent as to men, I was far from being
innocent as to my Maker; and I ought to look in and examine what other
crimes in my life were most obvious to me, and for which Providence might
justly inflict this punishment as a retribution; and thus I ought to
submit to this, just as I would to a shipwreck, if it had pleased God to
have brought such a disaster upon me.

In its turn natural courage would sometimes take its place, and then I
would be talking myself up to vigorous resolutions; that I would not be
taken to be barbarously used by a parcel of merciless wretches in cold
blood; that it were much better to have fallen into the hands of the
savages, though I were sure they would feast upon me when they had taken
me, than those who would perhaps glut their rage upon me by inhuman
tortures and barbarities; that in the case of the savages, I always
resolved to die fighting to the last gasp, and why should I not do so
now? Whenever these thoughts prevailed, I was sure to put myself into a
kind of fever with the agitation of a supposed fight; my blood would
boil, and my eyes sparkle, as if I was engaged, and I always resolved to
take no quarter at their hands; but even at last, if I could resist no
longer, I would blow up the ship and all that was in her, and leave them
but little booty to boast of.

CHAPTER XIII--ARRIVAL IN CHINA

The greater weight the anxieties and perplexities of these things were to
our thoughts while we were at sea, the greater was our satisfaction when
we saw ourselves on shore; and my partner told me he dreamed that he had
a very heavy load upon his back, which he was to carry up a hill, and