get rid of them."

I need not go into painful details, but the thing was easily done. That
very evening, unfortunately, through an oversight, No. 1 perished also.

For this I blame McWhirter.

"The number of my bus is 21," he said in the theatre buffet that night; "by
the way what's yours?"

"Whisky," I said absent-mindedly, "and not much soda."

And it was only after I had drunk it that I realised my error. It was then
too late.

And that is how New Year Resolution No. 1--the most delicate of the
litter--passed away at the early age of one week.

* * * * *

OUR PLUTOCRATIC SPORTSMEN AGAIN.

"Wanted, set of gold clubs, with bag, for lady."--_Local Paper_.

* * * * *

LIFE.

A MODERN NOVEL--SPASMODIC SCHOOL.

I.

Her parents were hygienic, so they never let a germ intrude
Within the cells and tissues of the girl they christened Ermyntrude;
They bathed her body every hour and all internal harm allayed
By pouring Condy's Fluid on her butter and her marmalade;
And when they dressed her took good care to tuck her chest-protector in--
Result, she grew up strong and fair as any peach or nectarine.

II.

She had no fear of lion or of tiger (in imprisonment)
And in an awful storm at sea she asked the mate what mizzen meant;
It was a plucky act; if I'd neglected to report it you'd
Never have known the depth and true dimensions of her fortitude.
If you remain agnostic, if you hold it still not proven, I'll
Give fifty more examples of her courage when a juvenile;
They lie in my portfolio, all printed, filed and docketed,
Including one in which a stick of dynamite she pocketed.

III.

She also painted: one could tell her pictures mid a billion,
So daubed were they with ochre blots and splashes of vermilion;
She claimed to be a connoisseur of _objets d'art_ and curios,
But what attracted notice was her openwork and lury hose,
Fashioned in every colour from magenta down to cinnabar,
Suggestive of a rainbow or the various liquors _in_ a bar.

IV.

So when she came to twenty-one, the age they call discretional,
The trooping of her followers was, in a word, processional.

V.

But she disdained flamboyant types and snubbed the gay and gildy brand;
Instead she loved a decadent whose pagan name was Hildebrand,