how,
at that instant I resolved to try to push my influence over Chichester to
its utmost limit, and by illegitimate means."

"Illegitimate?"

"I call them so. Yes, yes, they are not legitimate. I know that now. And
he--but I dare not think what he knows!"

The rector was greatly moved. He half rose from the bench on which they
were sitting, then, making a strong effort, controlled himself, sank
back, and continued:

"At that time, in the early days of his association with me, Chichester
thought that everything I did, everything I suggested, even everything
that came into my mind, must be good and right. He never dreamed of
criticizing me. In his view, I was altogether above criticism. And if I
approached him with any sort of intimacy he was in the greatest joy. You
know, perhaps, Mr. Malling, how the worshiper receives any confidence
from the one he worships. He looks upon it as the greatest compliment
that can be paid him. I resolved to pay that compliment to Henry
Chichester.

"You must know that although I had entirely given up the occult
practices--that may not be the exact term, but you will understand
what I mean--I had indulged in at Oxford, I had never relaxed my deep,
perhaps my almost morbid interest in the efforts that were being made
by scientists and others to break through the barrier dividing us on
earth from the spirit world. Although I had chosen the career of a
clergyman,--alas! I looked upon the church, I suppose, as little more
than a career!--I was not a very faithful man. I had many doubts which,
as clergymen must, I concealed. By nature I suppose I had rather an
incredulous mind. Not that I was a skeptic, but I was sometimes a
doubter. Rather than faith, I should have much preferred to have
knowledge, exact knowledge. Often I even felt ironical when confronted
with the simple faith we clergymen should surely encourage, sustain, and
humbly glory in, whereas with skepticism, even when openly expressed, I
always felt some part of myself to be in secret sympathy. I continued to
study works, both English and foreign, on psychical research. I followed
the experiments of Lodge, William James, and others. Myers's great work
on human personality was forever at my elbow. And the longer I was
debarred--self-debarred because of my keen ambition and my determination
to do nothing that could ever make me in any way suspect in the eyes of
those to whom I looked confidently for preferment--from continuing