always
been wilful--"a rosebud set about with wilful thorns, But sweet as
English air could make her, she." He had come to her aid many a time.
But he had never thought to be called upon by her in such a way as this.
He folded the letter up carefully and put it in a drawer. Usually
when he had a letter from Elinor he put it into his pocket, for the
satisfaction of reading it over again: for she had a fantastic way of
writing, adding little postscripts which escaped the eye at first, and
which it was pleasant to find out afterwards. But with this letter he
did not do so. He put it in a drawer of his writing-table, so that he
might find it again when necessary, but he did not put it in his breast
pocket. And then he sat for some time doing nothing, looking before him,
with his legs stretched out and his hand beating a little tattoo upon
the table. "Well: well? well!" That was about what he said to himself,
but it meant a great deal: it meant a vague but great disappointment, a
sort of blank and vacuum expressed by the first of these words--and then
it meant a question of great importance and many divisions. How could it
ever have come to anything? Am I a man to marry? What could I have done,
just getting into practice, just getting a few pounds to spend for
myself? And then came the conclusion. Since I can't do anything else
for her; since she's done it for herself--shall I be a beast and not
help her, because it puts my own nose out of joint? Not a bit of it!
The reader must remember that in venturing to reflect a young man's
sentiments a dignified style is scarcely possible; they express
themselves sometimes with much force in their private moments, but not
as Dr. Johnson would have approved, or with any sense of elegance; and
one must try to be truthful to nature. He knew very well that Elinor was
not responsible for his disappointment, and even he was aware that if
she had been so foolish as to fix her hopes upon him, it would probably
have been she who would have been disappointed, and left in the lurch.
But still----

John had gone through an interminable amount of thinking, and a good
deal of soda-water (with or without, how should I know, some other
moderate ingredient), and a cigar or two--not to speak of certain hours
when he ought to have been in bed to keep his head clear for the cases
of to-morrow: when it suddenly flashed upon him all at once that he was
not a step further on than when he had received Mrs.