that I feel as if I would--oh! how
gladly--flee away and be at rest: but for her sake, I pray for life, for
strength; for her sake, I make no resistance to the advice of Mr.
Maitland, that for a year or two we should live in Italy or Switzerland,
though in leaving England I feel as if I left I know not what, but
somewhat more than the mere love for my native land. Why, why is my
health so weak? why does it ever suffer when my mind is unhappy? Oh,
Emmeline, you know not the fierce struggle it is not to murmur; to feel
that it is in mercy my Father in Heaven afflicts me thus. If I might but
retain my health, my mother should never suspect my sufferings, I would,
I know I would, hide them from every eye; but she reads them in my
failing frame and pallid features, when I would by every means in my
power prove to her that while she is spared to me, I cannot be wholly
unhappy. It was not illness of body that prevented my replying to your
first long letter; but papa and Alfred were both at home, and my nerves
were so frequently shaken, that I knew it would be impossible to write
and therefore did not attempt it, even at the risk of offending, or at
least giving pain to you. I begged mamma to write to Mrs. Hamilton, and
tell her all that had occurred, on the receipt of your second, dated
February; for I thought while explaining our silence it would relieve
herself, which I think it did. It is six weeks since then and I am only
now allowed to write, and have been already obliged to pause more than
once in my task; so forgive all incoherences, my dearest Emmeline. The
Manor is to be sold in June: for my sake, mamma ventured to implore my
father to dispose of another estate, which has lately become his,
instead of this, but he would not listen to her; and I implored her not
to harrow her feelings by vain supplications again. Alfred is to go to
Cambridge, and this increased expense, as it is for him, papa seems to
think nothing of, but to my poor mother it is only another subject of
uneasiness, not so much for our sakes as for his own. Temptations of
every kind will be around him; his own little income will never be
sufficient to enable him to lead that life which his inclination will
bid him seek. Misfortune on every side appears to darken the future; I
cannot look forward. Pray for me, my dearest friend, that I may be
enabled to trust so implicitly in the Most High that even now my faith
should not for a moment waver. Oh! Emmeline,