pectroscopy for halcyon days of rejoicing--the opening of
the Royal Academy, the Handel Festival, the return of HARRY LAUDER, or
the elevation of Mr. BERNARD SHAW to the peerage.

As for externals, suffice it to say that they will be _en suite_, and
that I intend to introduce just a little touch of originality into my
trousers. I am going to have them made with spats sewn to the leg-ends
in order to save time and trouble in dressing.

In short, I have forgotten nothing, except spare studs, and I think it
is quite likely that I shall remember them too in course of time. I have
even gone so far as to fix a day for a dress rehearsal. But first I
shall invite my friends, as is the way with brides-elect, to a private
view of my trousseau, when they shall see all of it spread upon the
coverlet of my bed, over the backs of my chairs, or hanging in serried
ranks in my wardrobe.

And now nothing more remains to be done but to raise the necessary
funds, and with this object in view I have instructed my broker to draw
my money out of the Savings Bank. I am expecting a postal-order almost
any moment.

* * * * *

Illustration: _Yokel._ "'OW FAST CAN SHE TRAVEL, MASTER?"

_Owner._ "FIFTY MILES AN HOUR, MY MAN--EVEN SIXTY IF I CARE TO PUSH
HER."

_Yokel._ "AN' 'OW MANY IF YE BOTH SHOVE?"

* * * * *

"'Anna virumque cano' was the burden of the charge the Chief
Secretary had to meet, and it sorely embarrassed the dear
gentleman."--_Liverpool Courier._

Who is "ANNA"? We hope Mr. BIRRELL is not mixed up in a scandal.

* * * * *

Illustration: AN IMPALPABLE FLAME.

_Claude._ "WHAT ARE YOU WAITIN' HERE FOR, OLD THING?"

_Cuthbert._ "TO GIVE THESE FLOWERS AND CHOCOLATES TO THAT STUNNING
LITTLE GIRL IN 'THE DEATH KISS OF DEADMAN'S GULCH.'"

* * * * *

THE AWAKENING

(_A Little Romance of the Restaurant-Car_).

Is there a sight so soothing to the brain
As England's outlines green and softly curved,
Visions of wooded slope and fertile plain
Seen by the traveller in a dining-train,
No doubts to vex him and no talk to strain,
His seat, his chance companion, both reserved?

I think not. Yet the rather stoutish man
Who never raised his head but chewed and chewed
Annoyed me as I feasted. I began
To deem him one who had no higher plan,