on
saying "a man who--a man who--a man who" until the ignition occurs, but
even so it will still seem delightfully natural to the audience (as if
he were making up the epigram as he went along); while as for blowing
the match out he can hardly fail to do _that_ in one.

The cigarette, of course, will be smoked at other moments than
epigrammatic ones, but on these other occasions you will not need to
deal so fully with it in the stage directions. "_Duke (lighting
cigarette)._ I trust, Perkins, that ..." is enough. You do not want to
say, "_Duke (dropping ash on trousers)._ It seems to me, my love ..."
or, "_Duke (removing stray piece of tobacco from tongue)._ What Ireland
needs is ..."; still less "_Duke (throwing away end of cigarette)._ Show
him in." For this must remain one of the mysteries of the stage--What
happens to the stage cigarette when it has been puffed four times? The
stage tea, of which a second cup is always refused; the stage cutlet,
which is removed with the connivance of the guest after two mouthfuls;
the stage cigarette, which nobody ever seems to want to smoke to the
end--thinking of these as they make their appearances in the houses of
the titled, one would say that the hospitality of the peerage was not a
thing to make any great rush for....

But that would be to forget the butler and the three footmen. Even a
Duke cannot have everything. And what his _chef_ may lack in skill his
butler more than makes up for in impassivity.

A. A. M.

* * * * *

From a column headed "Crimes and Tragedies" in _The Western Weekly
Mercury_:--

"Sir J. W. Spear, M.P., has consented to become patron of the
newly-formed Highampton Rifle Club."

And we are left wondering which it is.

* * * * *

[Illustration: REFRESHING THE FRUIT.

MR. JOHN BURNS. "PERFECT! PERFECT! BUT JUST WANTS THE MASTER'S TOUCH."

(_Gives it._)]

* * * * *

[Illustration: _Cheery Passenger (in non-stop express)._ "WELL, I MUST
SAY IT'S QUITE A RELIEF TO ME TO 'AVE A GENTLEMAN IN THE CARRIAGE. IT'S
TWICE NOW I'VE 'AD A FIT IN A TUNNEL."]

* * * * *

ROOSEVELT RESURGIT

Once more the tireless putter-right of men,
Our roaring ROOSEVELT, swims into our ken.
With clash of cymbals and with roll of drums,
Reduced in weight, from far Brazil he comes.
What risks were his! The rapids caught his form,
Upset his bark and tos