you hear of them, cautiously keep them out of hearing of your sons
and daughters, and these glorious conversions never appear in your
shabby, lying newspapers. I do really pity the blindness of
Protestants," said he, rising and walking out of doors.

Next day after these events, the funeral of uncle Jacob took place, and
these ministers, whom, while he lived, he could not endure, and who
heartily hated him, came, when he was dead, to offer their services over
his remains. If any thing was required to show the meanness and
inconsistency of Protestantism and its teachers in this country, it is
the readiness with which they will officiate over the body of a man
dead, over whose soul, while living, they could exert not the smallest
influence. We have known several instances where Methodist and
Presbyterian hirelings, in consideration of the fee of three or five
dollars paid them, preached long sermons, and opened the gates of _their
Elysium_ to the souls of men who became converted from the sects to
which these hireling parsons belonged. Nay, in cases where the deceased
committed suicide by hanging or poisoning, we heard parsons officiate,
and promise the friends, for certain, that the soul of the suicide was
in glory, because sometime ago he happened to get religion, or join the
Sons of Temperance, or conform to some other requirement of fanaticism.
Thus, in the present case of uncle Jacob, Mr. Barker, the Methodist, and
Parson Grinoble, the Presbyterian, and Mr. Gulmore, another style of
Presbyterianism, all three vied to see who would _be hired_ to do the
last service to him whom, while alive, they all despised. Mr. Gulmore,
however, had the best luck, and accordingly mounted the pulpit to pass
sentence on the departed soul of uncle Jacob. He descanted for a
considerable time on the virtues of the deceased while young, told all
he knew of his religious experience, not forgetting the virtues of the
entire family, and what they had done for religion by circulation of
tracts, by subscription to Bible societies, by adopting and raising of
destitute orphans, and other good deeds, all tending to the honor of
Calvinism. "The only instance of any thing like want of belief that
happened for a hundred years in the family," said he, "was the seduction
of our brother to the ranks of Popery. His faith was weak, my friends,"
he continued; "but if he did not believe strongly, _we believed_, and
our faith saved him. His soul is in glory,