terary
Boweryese. A lack of acquaintance with past performances by our author
prevented us from feeling quite sure who the supposed narrator might
be, without reading the entire story, but we gathered from early
paragraphs and from the illustrations that the guy was a pug. (You
see, it's contagious.) At any rate, this is how the story began:--

"The average guy's opinion of himself reaches its highest
level about five minutes after the most wonderful girl in
the world gasps 'Yes!' He always thought he was a little
better than the other voters, but now he knows it! Of
course, he figures, the girl couldn't very well help fallin'
for a handsome brute like him, who'd have more money than
Rockefeller if he only knew somethin' about oil. He kids
himself along like that, thinkin' that it was his curly hair
or his clever chatter that turned the trick. Them guys gimme
a laugh!

"When Mamie Mahoney or Gladys Van de Vere decides to love,
honor and annoy one of these birds, she's got some little
thing in view besides light house-keepin'. Some dames marry
for spite, some because they prefer limousines to the
subway, and others want to make Joe stop playin' the races
or the rye. But there's always _somethin'_ there--just like
they have to put alloy in gold to hold it together. Yes,
gentle reader, there's a reason!

"But if you're engaged, son, don't let this disturb you.
I've seen some dames that, believe me, I wouldn't care
_what_ they married me for, as long as they did!"

Having proceeded thus far, we turned back to the table of contents for
affirmation of what we vaguely remembered to have read there. Yes, we
_had_ read it! The tale was labeled by the editor, "A funny story."

So this is fiction for "the average man," and on this spiritual fare
his cravings for literature are fed! So this is the sort of thing
which doubles the circulation of a popular magazine in twenty months!
Such melancholy reflections crossed our mind, coupled with the thought
that with no speech at all in the movies, and such speech as this in
his magazines, the "average man" will either have to read his Bible
every day or soon forget that there was once such a thing as the
beautiful English language. And alas, the circulation of the Bible
hasn't doubled in the past twenty months! "This magazine accepts man
as he is--and helps him"--so reads the editor's self-puffery.