is I, 'Friend, here is half a dollar for
you; it arn't often I'm brought to a dead stare, and when I am, I am
willin' to pay for it.'

"There's two languages, Squire, that's univarsal: the language of love,
and the language of money; the galls onderstand the one, and the men
onderstand the other, all the wide world over, from Canton to Niagara. I
no sooner showed him the half dollar, than it walked into his pocket, a
plaguy sight quicker than it will walk out, I guess.

"Sais I, 'Friend, you've taken the consait out of me properly. Captain
Hall said there warn't a man, woman, or child, in the whole of the
thirteen united univarsal worlds of our great Republic, that could speak
pure English, and I was a goin' to kick him for it; but he is right,
arter all. There ain't one livin' soul on us can; I don't believe they
ever as much as heerd it, for I never did, till this blessed day, and
there are few things I haven't either see'd, or heern tell of. Yes,
we can't speak English, do you take?' 'Dim comrag,' sais he, which in
Yankee, means, "that's no English," and he stood, looked puzzled, and
scratched his head, rael hansum, 'Dim comrag,' sais he.

"Well, it made me larf spiteful. I felt kinder wicked, and as _I_ had
a hat on, and I couldn't scratch my head, I stood jist like him, clown
fashion, with my eyes wanderin' and my mouth wide open, and put my hand
behind me, and scratched there; and I stared, and looked puzzled too,
and made the same identical vacant face he did, and repeated arter him
slowly, with another scratch, mocking him like, 'Dim comrag.'

"Such a pair o' fools you never saw, Squire, since the last time you
shaved afore a lookin' glass; and the stable boys larfed, and he larfed,
and I larfed, and it was the only larf I had all that juicy day.

"Well, I turns agin to the door; but it's the old story over
again--rain, rain, rain; spatter, spatter, spatter,--'I can't stop
here with these true Brittons,' sais I, 'guess I'll go and see the old
Squire: he is in his study.'

"So I goes there: 'Squire,' sais I, 'let me offer you a rael gene_wine_
Havana cigar; I can recommend it to you.' He thanks me, he don't smoke,
but plague take him, he don't say, 'If you are fond of smokin', pray
smoke yourself.' And he is writing I won't interrupt him.

"'Waiter, order me a post-chaise, to be here in the mornin', when the
rooks wake.'

"'Yes, Sir.'

"Come, I'll try the women folk in the drawin'-room, agin'. Ladies do