ith
only thirty francs in my possession, and such a distance as that lay
between us! Only a poor man knows what such a passion costs in cab-hire,
gloves, linen, tailor's bills, and the like. If the Platonic stage lasts
a little too long, the affair grows ruinous. As a matter of fact, there
is many a Lauzun among students of law, who finds it impossible to
approach a ladylove living on a first floor. And I, sickly, thin, poorly
dressed, wan and pale as any artist convalescent after a work, how could
I compete with other young men, curled, handsome, smart, outcravatting
Croatia; wealthy men, equipped with tilburys, and armed with assurance?

"'Bah, death or Foedora!' I cried, as I went round by a bridge; 'my
fortune lies in Foedora.'

"That gothic boudoir and Louis Quatorze salon came before my eyes. I saw
the countess again in her white dress with its large graceful sleeves,
and all the fascinations of her form and movements. These pictures of
Foedora and her luxurious surroundings haunted me even in my bare, cold
garret, when at last I reached it, as disheveled as any naturalist's
wig. The contrast suggested evil counsel; in such a way crimes are
conceived. I cursed my honest, self-respecting poverty, my garret where
such teeming fancies had stirred within me. I trembled with fury, I
reproached God, the devil, social conditions, my own father, the whole
universe, indeed, with my fate and my misfortunes. I went hungry to bed,
muttering ludicrous imprecations, but fully determined to win Foedora.
Her heart was my last ticket in the lottery, my fortune depended upon
it.

"I spare you the history of my earlier visits, to reach the drama
the sooner. In my efforts to appeal to her, I essayed to engage her
intellect and her vanity on my side; in order to secure her love, I gave
her any quantity of reasons for increasing her self-esteem; I never left
her in a state of indifference; women like emotions at any cost, I gave
them to her in plenty; I would rather have had her angry with me than
indifferent.

"At first, urged by a strong will and a desire for her love, I assumed
a little authority, but my own feelings grew stronger and mastered me; I
relapsed into truth, I lost my head, and fell desperately in love.

"I am not very sure what we mean by the word love in our poetry and our
talk; but I know that I have never found in all the ready rhetorical
phrases of Jean-Jacques Rousseau, in whose room perhaps I was lodging;
no