f I were City Editor
And you should come to my cold desk and choke,
And say, "Old man I'm actually dead broke."
I say, if I were City Editor,
And you should come in deepest grief and woe
And say, "Oh Lordy let me have the dough,"
I might arise with slow and solemn wink
And lecture you upon the curse of drink.

If I were City Editor
And you should come to my hotel and reel,
Clasping my beer to quench the thirst you feel,
I say if I were City Editor
And you should come in trembling and in fear
And even hint about licking up that beer,
I'd hit you just one swat, and then,
I guess I'd have to order one more bier.

TRANSCENDENTALISM.

What is transcendentalism?
Merely sentimentalism
With a dash of egotism
Somewhat mixed with mysticism.
Not at all like Socialism,
Nor a bit like Atheism,
Hinges not on pessimism,
Treats of man's asceticism,
Quite opposes anarchism.
Can't you name another "Ism?"
Yes, it's transcendentalism.

THE EPIC OF THE HOG.

(Man's Inhumanity to Hogs Makes Countless Thousands Squeal.)

I lived upon a little farm,
A happy hog was I,
I never dreamed of any harm
Nor ever thought to die.

All day I wallowed in the mud,
And ate the choicest slops.
I watched the brindles chew their cud--
The farmer tend his crops.

Upon the hottest days I'd go
And flounder in the river--
I thought that hogs might come and go,
But I would live forever.

Then finally I waxed so fat
That I could hardly walk,
And then the farmers gather 'round
And all began to talk.

I couldn't understand a word,
All I did was grunt;
You see that's all a hog can do--
It is his only stunt.

But finally they took me out
And put me on a train.
I really couldn't move about
And squealed with might and main.

I grunted, grunted as I flew
And moved in vain endeavor,
But even then I thought it true
That I would live forever.

And so we came to Packingtown
Where there were hogs galore,
I never saw so many hogs
In all my life before.

Then we had to shoot the chutes
And climb a flight of stairs,
We never had a chance to stop
Or time to say our prayers.

Loud-squealing hogs above, b