During his
prayer, he cried out to God in a loud voice: "O Lord, help me, for I
find no remedy among men, nor in any creature! If I thought I could
find one, no labor would seem too great to me. Show me some one! O
Lord! where may I find one? I am willing to do anything to find
relief."
While tortured by these thoughts, several times he was violently
tempted to cast himself out of the large window of his cell. This
window was quite near the place where he was praying. But since he
knew that it would be a sin to take his own life, he began to pray, "O
Lord, I will not do anything to offend Thee." He repeated these words
frequently with his former prayer, when there came to his mind the
story of a certain holy man, who, to obtain of God some favor which
he ardently desired, spent many days without food, until he obtained
the favor he asked. He determined to do the same. He resolved in his
heart neither to eat nor drink until God should look upon him in
mercy, or until he should find himself at the point of death; then
only should he eat.
This resolution was taken on a Sunday after communion, and for a whole
week he neither ate nor drank anything; in the meantime he practised
his usual penances, recited the Divine Office, prayed on bended knees
at the appointed times, and rose at midnight. On the following Sunday,
when about to make his usual confession, as he had been in the habit
of making known to his confessor everything he had done, even the
smallest detail, he told him that he had not eaten anything during the
past week. Hereupon his confessor bade him break his fast. Although
he felt that he still had sufficient strength to continue without
food, nevertheless he obeyed his confessor, and on that day and the
next he was free from scruples. On the third day, however, which was
Tuesday, while standing in prayer, the remembrance of his sins came
back to him. One suggested another, until he passed in review, one
after another, all his past sins. He then thought he ought to repeat
his general confession. After these thoughts a sort of disgust seized
him, so that he felt an inclination to give up the life he was
leading. While in this state, God was pleased to arouse him as it were
from sleep, and to relieve him of his trouble. As he had acquired some
experience in the discernment of spirits, he profited by the lessons
he had learned of God, and began to examine how that spirit had
entered into possession of his soul
|