diffident, I sought a
mask in violence. I wanted to assert myself, to show the women that I
was not to be driven, and Hammerfeldt that I was not to be led. Neither
their brusque insistence nor his suave and dexterous suggestions should
control me or prevent me from exercising my own will. A distorted view
of my position caused me to find its essence in the power of doing as I
liked, and its dignity in disregarding wholesome advice because I
objected to the manner in which it was tendered. This mood, ready and
natural enough in youth, was an instrument of which my passion made
effective use; I pictured the consternation of my advisers with hardly
less pleasure than the delight of her whom I sought to serve. My sense
of responsibility was dulled and deadened; I had rather do wrong than do
nothing, cause harm than be the cause of nothing, that men should blame
me rather than not canvass my actions or fail to attribute to me any
initiative. I felt somehow that the blame would lie with my
counsellors; they had undertaken to guide and control me. If they failed
they, more than I, must answer for the failure. Sophistry of this kind
passes well enough with one who wants excuses, and may even array itself
in a cloak of plausibility; it was strong in my mind by virtue of the
strong resentment from which it sprang, and the strong ally to which its
forces were joined. Passion and self-assertion were at one; my conquest
would be two-fold. While the Countess was brought to acknowledge my
sway, those who had hitherto ruled my life would be reduced to a
renunciation of their authority. The day seemed to me to promise at once
emancipation and conquest; to mark the point at which I was to gain both
liberty and empire, when I should become indeed a king, both in my own
palace and in her heart a king.

In the morning I was occupied in routine business with one of the
Ministers. This gentleman gave me a tolerably good account of
Hammerfeldt, although it appeared that the Prince was suffering from a
difficulty in breathing. There seemed, however, no cause for alarm, and
when I had sent to make inquiries I did not deem it necessary to remain
at home and await the return of my messenger. I paid my usual formal
visit to my mother's apartments. The Princess did not refer to our
previous conversation, but her manner toward me was even unusually stiff
and distant. I think that she had expected repentance. When I in my turn
ignored the matter she