to myself.

As I thought this, I wondered why I didn't decide upon the thing most
likely to solve all my problems at once. If I were killed, Brian would
grieve: but he had the Becketts to love and care for him, and--he had
Dierdre: no use disguising that fact from my intelligence, after the
episode of the dog! What a chance for me to disappear, having done for
Brian all I could do! Oh, why didn't I add another prayer to my last,
and beg God to let me die that minute?

I'll tell you why I did not pray this, Padre, and why, instead of trying
to expose my life, I wished--almost unconsciously--to save it. I hardly
realized why then, but I do realize now. It is different in these days
from that night in Paris, when I wished I might be run over by a
motor-car. At that time I should have been glad to die. Now I cling to
life--not just because I'm young and strong, and people call me
beautiful, but because I feel I _must_ stay in the world to see what
happens next.

I kept as still as a frightened mouse. I didn't move. I scarcely
breathed. Presently an aeroplane sailed into sight directly overhead,
and flying so low that I could make out its iron cross, exactly like
photographs I'd seen. Whether the men in it could see me or not I can't
tell; but if they could, perhaps they mistook me for one of the statues
they knew existed in the ruined chapel, and thought I wasn't worth
bombing.

In that case it was St. Joseph and the Virgin who protected me!

In a second the big bird of prey had swept on. I was sick with fear for
a moment lest it should drop an "egg" on to the garden, and kill Brian
or the Becketts, or the lieutenant who had wished to spare us this
danger. Even the O'Farrells I didn't want hurt; and I was pleased to
find out that about myself, because they are a far more constant danger
for me than all the aeroplanes along the German front; and when I came
face to face with realities in my own soul, I might have discovered a
wicked desire for them to be out of the way at any price. But since
Dierdre proved herself ready to die for Brian, I do admire if I don't
like her. As for Julian--would it be possible, Padre, to miss a person
you almost hate? Anyhow, when I tried to imagine how I should feel if I
went back to the garden and saw him dead, I grew quite giddy and ill.
How queer we are, we human things!

But no one was hurt. The whole party hid under the trees; and as the
cars were also hidden at a distance, the Ger