ut he had so many irons in the fire he did not well know what
to do.

"Then take my advice, doctor," said Foote, "and put your poems where
your irons are."

THE RETORT COURTEOUS

Following a man in the street, who did not bear the best of
characters, Foote slapped him familiarly on the shoulder, thinking he
was an intimate friend. On discovering his mistake he cried out, "Oh,
sir, I beg your pardon! I really took you for a gentleman who--"

"Well, sir," said the other, "and am I not a gentleman?"

"Nay, sir," said Foote, "if you take it in that way, I must only beg
your pardon a second time."

ON GARRICK'S STATURE

Previously to Foote's bringing out his 'Primitive Puppet Show' at the
Haymarket Theatre, a lady of fashion asked him, "Pray, sir, are your
puppets to be as large as life?"

"Oh dear, madam, no. Not much above the size of Garrick!"

CAPE WINE

Being at the dinner-table one day when the Cape was going round in
remarkably small glasses, his host was very profuse on the excellence
of the wine, its age, etc. "But you don't seem to relish it, Foote, by
keeping your glass so long before you."

"Oh, yes, my lord, perfectly well. I am only admiring how little it
is, considering its great age."

THE GRACES

Of an actress who was remarkably awkward with her arms, Foote said
that "she kept the Graces at arm's-length."

THE DEBTOR

Of a young gentleman who was rather backward in paying his debts, he
said he was "a very promising young gentleman."

AFFECTATION

An assuming, pedantic lady, boasting of the many books which she had
read, often quoted 'Locke Upon Understanding,' a work she said she
admired above all things, yet there was one word in it which, though
often repeated, she could not distinctly make out; and that was the
word ide-a (pronouncing it very long): "but I suppose it comes from a
Greek derivation."

"You are perfectly right, madam," said Foote, "it comes from the word
ideaousky."

"And pray, sir, what does that mean?"

"The feminine of idiot, madam."

ARITHMETICAL CRITICISM

A mercantile man of his acquaintance, who would read a poem of his to
him one day after dinner, pompously began:--

"Hear me, O Phoebus! and ye Muses nine!
Pray be attentive."

"I am," said Foote. "Nine and one are ten: go on."

THE DEAR WIFE

A gentleman just married, telling Foote that he had that morning laid
out three thousand pounds in jewels for his "dear wife": "Well," s