ough the death of my old cousin, Mrs. Smith, was to set
me free; yet that event being uncertain, and possibly far distant, it
had been for some time my intention to re-establish my circumstances
by marrying a woman of fortune. To attach myself to your sister,
therefore, was not a thing to be thought of; and with a meanness,
selfishness, cruelty, which no indignant, no contemptuous look, even
of yours, Miss Dashwood, can ever reprobate too much,--I was acting in
this manner, trying to engage her regard, without a thought of
returning it. But one thing may be said for me: even in that horrid
state of selfish vanity, I did not know the extent of the injury I
meditated, because I did not _then_ know what it was to love. But have
I ever known it? Well may it be doubted; for, had I really loved,
could I have sacrificed my feelings to vanity, to avarice? or, what is
more, could I have sacrificed hers? But I have done it. To avoid a
comparative poverty, which her affection and her society would have
deprived of all its horrors, I have, by raising myself to affluence,
lost every thing that could make it a blessing."

"You did then," said Elinor, a little softened, "believe yourself at
one time attached to her?"

"To have resisted such attractions, to have withstood such tenderness!
Is there a man on earth who could have done it? Yes, I found myself,
by insensible degrees, sincerely fond of her; and the happiest hours
of my life were what I spent with her when I felt my intentions were
strictly honourable, and my feelings blameless. Even _then_, however,
when fully determined on paying my addresses to her, I allowed myself
most improperly to put off, from day to day, the moment of doing it,
from an unwillingness to enter into an engagement while my
circumstances were so greatly embarrassed. I will not reason here--nor
will I stop for _you_ to expatiate on the absurdity, and the worse
than absurdity, of scrupling to engage my faith where my honour was
already bound. The event has proved, that I was a cunning fool,
providing with great circumspection for a possible opportunity of
making myself contemptible and wretched for ever. At last, however, my
resolution was taken, and I had determined, as soon as I could engage
her alone, to justify the attentions I had so invariably paid her, and
openly assure her of an affection which I had already taken such pains
to display. But in the interim--in the interim of the very few hours
that