s--juist like a flesher grippin' a sheep
by the horns--an', do what I like, I canna get oot o' their grips.

For instance, I was gaen up the brae juist the ither nicht, an' the
kirk offisher was stanin' at the kirk door.

"Wud ye bide i' the kirk for ten meenits till I rin hame for a bissam
shaft?" says he. "I've broken the ane I have."

"Oo, ay," says I; "I'll do that."

Weel, man, I wasna twa meenits into the kirk when I windered what like
it was for size aside Gayneld Park, an' I thocht I wud see if I cud rin
fower times roond it in five meenits. I buttoned my coat, an' lookit
the time, an' aff I set up ae passage, ower the pletform, doon the
ither passage, throo the lobby, an' so on. I was juist aboot
feenishin' when, gaen sweesh oot at ane o' the doors, I cam' clash up
again' the minister, an' sent him spinnin' into the middle o' the
lobby, an' the collection plate in his oxter.

"What in the name of common sense is the matter with you?" said he,
gettin' up, an' shakin' the stoor aff his hat.

"Man, ye shud keep aff the coorse," says I, forgettin' for the meenit
whaur I was. "I was tryin' to brak' the record."

"Break the record!" he says, in a most terrible fizz. "If it wasna for
the laws of the country, I'd break your head."

Man, the passion o' the sacket was raley veeshis. He ac'ually spat oot
the wirds; an', faigs, I steekit baith my nivs an' keepit my e'e on
him, for fear he micht lat dab at me.

Juist at that meenit the kirk offisher cam' in, an' the minister
turned, an' gleyin' roond at me gey feared like, said something till
him, an' I heard them crackin' aboot gettin' me hame in a cab. I saw
in a wink what they were jaloosin'.

"Ye needna bather your heids ahoot a cab," says I. "I'm wyser than the
twa o' ye puttin' thegither; so keep on your dickies. Gude-nicht,"
says I; an' doon the front staps I gaed, three at a time, an' hame.

The beathel cam' doon afore he gaed hame, an' speered what i' the world
had happened.

"I was juist comin' oot at the kirk door," says I, "when the minister
cam' skelp up again' me." I didna mention 'at I was rinnin'. "The
cratur drappit i' the flure," says I, "like's he'd been shot; an' then
to crack aboot me bein' daft! Did ye ever hear the like?"

The kirk offisher gaed awa' hame, clawin' his heid, an' sayin' till
himsel', "Weel, it raley snecks a' thing. There's some ane o' the
three o's no' very soond i' the tap, shurely; an' whuther it's me or