to get a book. My face
fell dismally.

"I can't endure it any longer, Johnnie, I'm going back home, to New York
... my father will take me in."

"And how about me?"

"--wait patiently a few days then, if you still feel the same about me,
follow me!... and, until you come to join me, write me at least three
times a day."

"I'll do it ..." then I couldn't help being playful again, "I'll write
you entirely in cave-fashion."

"I am taking a big step, Johnnie, I'm through with Penton Baxter
forever--but I wonder if my new life is to be with you ... you are such
an irresponsible, delightful madman at times....

"You're wonderful as a lover ... but as a man with a woman to take care
of--!"

"Don't worry about that! just give me a chance, and I'll show you I can
be practical too."

* * * * *

Hildreth had gone. With her going the bottom seemed to drop out of my
existence, leaving a black hole where it had fallen through. I walked
about, looking so truly miserable, that even Baxter spoke with gentle
consideration to me.

"Poor Johnnie, to think you'd run into a proposition like this, the
first pop out of the box."

"No, it isn't what you think ... I'm getting malaria, I believe."

* * * * *

But to be deprived of her, my first love. No longer to be in her
presence, no longer to watch her quiet smile, the lovely droop of her
mouth's corner ... to feed on the kisses no more that had become as
necessary as daily bread itself to me--

I began to lose weight ... to start up in the night, after a brief fit
of false slumber, hearing myself, as if it were an alien voice, crying
her name aloud....

I whispered and talked tender, whimsical, silly things to my pillow,
holding it in my arms, as if it were she....

* * * * *

Each day I sent her four, five letters ... letters full of madness,
absurdity, love, despair, wild expressions of intimacy that I would Have
died to know anybody else ever saw.

Her first letter in return burned me alive with happiness....

* * * * *

"--you know why she went to the city," Penton teased, "it's because
'Gene Mallows, the California poet, is up there. He and she got on
pretty well when we were on the coast."

"You lie!" I bellowed, beside myself, "Hildreth will be faithful to me
... she has promised."

Penton Baxter looked me up and down, courageously,