ill start
to-night, and should be in Paris by Thursday, and at St. Petersburg at
latest by the end of week. We can take Vienna and Berlin on our way home! I
will be with the men at Portsmouth within an hour. Never mind our baggage;
send it on afterwards.

_In. For. (astounded)._ But what are you going to do?

_Com. Gen. (with determination)._ Going to do! Why give them another
thrashing! By-by, no time for talking! See you again soon!

[_Exit hurriedly to beat the foe, and, strange to say, the object is
subsequently attained--somehow!_

* * * * *

AN ANTI-ONIONIST LIBERAL.--Mr. LEAKE lately made a radically plucky speech,
and is in future to be known in the North as Cocky Leakey.

* * * * *

OUR FINANCIAL COLUMN.

_Telegraphic Address.--"Croesus," Everywhere._

[Illustration]

Of course I knew perfectly well what would happen after I had put forth the
programme of my financial operations. I said at the time to my friend GUS
BRUMMAGEM, "Mark my words," I said, "I shall have all the Crowned Heads of
the world grovelling at my feet and imploring, actually imploring me to
allow them to hand over their money and their ancestral regalia to me for
investment. They're bound to do it. I know the beggars well, and a more
grasping lot you couldn't find within a day's march of Holloway Gaol." Dear
old GUS (Beau GUS he is always called on account of his singularly
attractive appearance) went so far as to pooh-pooh what I said. I don't
bear him any ill-will. Gus was always a bit of a courtier, and got his head
turned for good, when the Japanese Prince CHI IKAH invited him to stay a
week at his country house, and to act as godfather to the infant prince, KA
CHOOKAH, the necessary ceremony haying been postponed for six months in
order to allow GUS to get there in time. That, as I say, was the ruin of
GUS, and since that time he has had an offensive way of giving himself not
merely airs, but what I may call regular blasts in the company of men
better than himself. He ought to recollect that he owes his start in life
to the lucky chance that threw him in my way. If I hadn't appointed him
Chairman of the Turp, Pin and Bolt Company, and Managing Director of the
New Gatefringe Syndicate, Limited, he might still be engaged in sweeping
out the tenth-rate office which was formerly the scene of his labours. But
I never expect gratitude. I am content to do good to my fellow