red
hair. An' then the other boy says, "You're a liar" an' that got the
red-hedded boy into more trouble; fer the old man whipped him
shameful' fer breakin' up soil with the other boy. An' this here
red-hedded boy had freckles, too. An' warts. An' nobody ortn't to 'a'
jumpt on to him fer that. Ef anybody wuz a red-hedded boy they'd have
also warts an' freckles--an' thist red-hair's bad enough. Onc't
another boy told him ef he wuz him he bet he could make a big day look
sick some night. An' when the red-hedded boy says "How?" w'y, the
other boy he says "Easy enough. I'd thist march around bare-hedded in
the torch-light p'cession."--"Yes, you would," says the red-hedded
boy, an' pasted him one with a shinny club, an' got dispelled from
school 'cause he wuz so high-tempered an' impulsiv. Ef I wuz the
red-hedded boy I'd be a pirut; but he allus said he wuz goin' to be a
baker.

THE CROSS-EYED GIRL

"You don't want to never tamper with a cross-eyed girl," said Mr.
Judkins, "and I'll tell you w'y: They've natur'lly got a better focus
on things than a man would ever guess--studyin' their eyes, you
understand. A man may think he's a-foolin' a cross-eyed girl simply
because she's apparently got her eyes tangled on other topics as he's
a-talkin' to her, but at the same time that girl may be a-lookin' down
the windin' stairway of the cellar of his soul with one eye, and
a-winkin' in a whisper to her own soul with the other, and her
unconscious victim jes' a-takin' it fer granted that nothin' is the
matter with the girl, only jes' cross-eyes! You see I've studied 'em,"
continued Judkins, "and I'm on to one fact dead sure--and that is,
their natures is as deceivin' as their eyes is! Knowed one onc't that
had her eyes mixed up thataway--sensitive little thing she was, and
always referrin' to her 'misfortune,' as she called it, and eternally
threatenin' to have some surgeon straighten 'em out like other
folks'--and, sir, that girl so worked on my feelin's, and took such
underholts on my sympathies that, blame me, before I knowed it I
confessed to her that ef it hadn't 'a' been fer her defective eyes (I
made it 'defective') I never would have thought of lovin' her, and,
furthermore ef ever she did have 'em changed back normal, don't you
understand, she might consider our engagement at an end--I did,
honest. And that girl was so absolute cross-eyed it warped her ears,
and she used to amuse herself by watchin' 'em curl up as I'd be